Dealing with Ambiguity

I'm not very good at not knowing what's going to happen next.  Wait, no - that's not true at all.  I'm not very good at not knowing what's going to happen next with regards to my partner - it doesn't really bother me much at all with anybody else.

This morning I woke because the lights were on and my partner was up.  It was really quite early - still grey and cool, barely light.  We were out late last night and not in bed until after midnight.  I also remember him being uncomfortable with indigestion, and the dog not being very well not long before bed, so I called out, thinking something might be wrong.  Everything was fine.  He came in to say goodbye.  He has a seven thirty am golf game, an hour and a bit more of a drive away.  "Oh, didn't I tell you that?".  Nope, not at all.

Damn.  Why does that annoy me/upset me/throw me off kilter as much as it does?  I don't really know. You know what?  I really like it when he goes out for a half day or a day and I get the day to myself at home.  It's really peaceful and I don't feel guilty to sit and write, or read.  He's off doing something recreational, so why should I kill myself over the housework, truly.  I get tired of the constant tv and radio when he's here too.  I struggle to sit quietly and write with noise streaming through the house and also, he's not one of those people who just watches, if I'm anywhere within a sight line, he wants to chat too.  That's lovely - but not conducive to writing!

I know that if I want to write, I should go and lock myself away somewhere - but I don't really have that somewhere and often I'll have been sitting happily at the kitchen table, blogging away, or writing in my journal, or whatever, and along he'll come and settle in to the lounge to watch telly.  We have terrible reception too - so telly is often accompanied with horrible digital sounds or these kind of, well, popping sort of sounds, through the speakers.  I find it really unsettling and difficult to focus or relax with that sound invading my space.  Oh well, the joys of shared living I guess.

Anyway.  Off to golf he's gone.  Now that I have had a chance to digest the information, it's just fine.  It's just the waking up to it and being taken by surprise by it that throws me off.  I tried not to seem upset or to harp on about it.  I feel like I've said so many times that I don't like it.  He must have remembered last night as he was going to bed that he was going.  I'm certain he must have had to set an alarm.  What would be wrong with just saying at that point - hey - did I tell you I'm playing golf tomorrow, far from home, and leaving early?  Would that be hard?

*sigh*

I guess I just need to adjust my attitude.  It's easier to change my own expectations rather than hope to change anybody else!

Not working really helps

I feel so much better when I don't have to drag myself off to my job every day.  I love being on leave.  It's not that I don't want to work at all, or ever again, it's just that the fatigue of my working weeks leaves me emotionally unstable and prone to flare ups.

How do I deal with that?  I guess in reality I need to find an alternative source of income.  I don't think I'm some kind of amazing entrepreneur or anything like that.  I haven't got a block buster or best selling novel bubbling just beneath the surface, ready to spring forth at any given moment.  I just don't.

I'm dedicated, willing to work, happy to turn my hand to pretty much anything and not fussy about hourly rates.  I just need to make sure I pay for the roof over our heads and put meals on our table.  Nothing huge - just steady steady plod plod.  The biggest problem with that of course is that I myself am not very steady steady plod plod.  I'm flighty, moody, unpredictable and get bored/frustrated quite easily.

I love change.  I love variety.  I don't do 40 hours a week ongoing, particularly well.  I'm pretty fine with 80 hours a week, sometimes.  I'm pretty OK with 14 hour days and more, for a festival or such, provided there's recovery afterwards.  I love only working 20 to 30 hours a week if it's going to be a longer commitment (a year or so, say).  I'm totally crap at this full time, eat all of your time take all of your focus bullshit.  I just don't do it well at all!

How and when am I going to change this?

Well, I put my hand up for a redundancy from my job.  I don't know if I'll be approved.  The organisation I work for is going through a period of quite massive cuts, but one of my managers seemed to think that my position was not one that could be abolished.  We shall see.  My case is up for consideration.  That's all I can do - ask, then hope.

What will I do if they give me a package?  It won’t be a big one by any manner of means.  I haven’t been there for that long.  It will be enough to put a little dent in my mortgage and to maybe close out a few minor debts of mine.  It will be gone within the first 30 days of my receiving it, basically.  It wouldn’t be enough for me to live on, or off, in any way.

So basically I would need to look for other work pretty much straight away.  My first day at home that was a week/work day I would need to sit straight down and update my resume and start applying for jobs.  At least, that’s how I see it.  I think it’s too early for me to be out of the full, or nearly full time workforce.  There’s just too many bills I need to pay and still kids to support etc.

So what would be the point?

I guess there are two main drivers.  One is that no matter how small in comparison with what others might be eligible for, there is a lump sum involved.  That lump sum would go mostly against my mortgage, and would make that horrible big debt number a bit smaller.  That would be great, because it sometimes feels like no matter how much I pay off that damn thing, that mortgage barely shrinks at all, and sometimes it grows.  I hate it.  I’d like to be rid of it.  Or at least to see a significantly smaller number!

So there’s driver number one.  Money.

Driver number two is to get away from what I am doing right now, work wise.  Change.  I like change.  I’m so tired of that location and I’m so tired of that commute.  I could probably even deal with a commute that was as long.  As long as it was to somewhere else!  I love the freshness of new jobs, new workmates, and of learning new things.  I don’t mind what.  I’ve never had any particular grand plan in life about where I am going, in a career (or any other) sense.  I just love to be part of things that are bigger than me.  I like to make things happen.  I like to feel like I have something, no matter how small, to contribute.  And I love to learn - anything, everything, anywhere, anytime.

Driver number two is change.  Because I enjoy change.

So cross your fingers for me that my redundancy gets approved/accepted.  I’d very much like to have both of those things - money, and change.  Once it has happened, then I’ll deal with the next step - where our meals will come from ongoing.  I can do that, I know I can.  I’ve done it many times!

A bit wobbly

I'm struggling a bit at the moment again.  I get teary and exhausted, a bit (I guess you could say) paranoid about my partners commitment to me and his intentions.  I get upset fairly easily and in the last week or so at work I noticed that I was being quite negative about one thing or another.

Thank goodness for time off over Christmas.  I guess most people get a week or too.  Me also.  It will hopefully give me a bit of time to unwind and reset.  I really need it.  I hate it when I get like this.  I'm tired of the tears and the churning feelings, the anxiety and the stress of it all.

Just stop then, you say.  Easier said than done, it seems.  I'd love to!  I try.  I really really work at it.  The dog still comes back to bite me.  Yesterday a gift hamper that arrived on my doorstep left me in floods of tears.  I'm so underprepared for Christmas it just left me feeling guilty and unable to reciprocate that.  When the hell did gratitude have to be replaced by guilt?

Anyway.  I'll do my best to make it a happy and memorable Christmas for my kids.  In whatever way I can.  I feel exhausted just thinking about it.

My son wants to go to a friends to play now and has run out of activities to happily entertain himself here so this is going to be brief.

I'm tired, again.  I'm so tired of being tired.  I'm so tired of hearing myself whine about being tired too!  I don't think I'm plotting recovery right now and I'm really scared that what I'm documenting is the beginnings of a relapse.

Wish me luck as I struggle to find balance and happiness at this very challenging time of year.

Breaking Bad

I'm watching an episode of a tv series called 'Breaking Bad'.  It's not really what I logged in here to write about, but it's ended up being on the telly in front of me and it's pretty gripping.  It's one of those shows that I can't help but watch.  My ten year old son hates it.  My partner and I find that really interesting ... he will play violent video games quite happily, but this show, which is violent in a very real and gritty sense, but which is also darkly humorous, my son finds terrifying.

Anyway - what else is going on for me?  I had a pretty serious falling out with the father of my son during the week.  Usually I do my best to keep the peace between us for the sake of making my son's life good.  This week though, some things finally got to me, and I finally cracked.  There had just been one too many demands for more money and too few equivalent contributions for items like clothing.

Sadly, when I crack, I crack.  I didn't handle the situation that well I suppose.  I don't like being hung up on, over and over again.  In the end I went to visit my ex, knowing that my son was at a friends for a play for the afternoon.  When I got there, he indicated that he did not want to talk.  I said that we needed to, that he needed to listen to me, that there were things that we needed to sort out.  He said "you are angry, go away, I don't want to talk to you now, today".  I refused to leave.  He threatened to call the police if I did not.  I told him go ahead.

Obviously, once a conversation starts going down those roads, it's not going anywhere good.  Anyway - my ex went out on his veranda and made a call on his mobile phone and then left the house.  Before he left he said to me: "you'd better leave before the police get here".  I thought about it and figured that leaving when the police are on there way to get you is not a good move from a 'criminal action' perspective, though I don't really know.  I've never had a whole lot to do with the law.  I did hear my ex give my name, date of birth and address over the phone though, so I made a cup of tea and stuck around.

I sat on the deck with my cup of tea and waited.  I sipped my tea and I waited.  I finished my tea, and the police had still not arrived so I phoned my ex (location uncertain) and asked how long the police had said they'd be.  He sounded angry and said they had not been specific.  I didn't want to spend my whole evening waiting, so I called the local police station and enquired.  They said they didn't have any call logged about me at all.  The officer on the phone got a bit annoyed and said: "do you want to log a call or not?".  At that stage, I thought, OK .... lets go with this.  My lying, passive aggressive, bully boy ex wants to play head games, lets go with this.  I told them that they'd better come on over as my ex was adamant that he'd called them to make a complaint about me.

Anyway - things have settled down a bit since then.  We've got a draft parenting plan that we are working on and there seems to be some boundaries back in place.  I don't know where it will go from here, but hopefully, hopefully ... not all to shit.

The guys on Breaking Bad are brewing poison out of beans now, to deal with a drug dealer who they want to get rid of.  I don't think my situation will get to that.

Oh gosh, a book!

Well - whatever might happen next.

I've decided I'm going to comb through all my blog posts (that's about 5 different blogs now) and also my diary entries, and put them all together in chronological order and perhaps intersperse it all with some current/reflective commentary.

And what will it be?  A book?  Of some sort, anyway.  I'm putting it all together on my computer.  I'm using iBooks Author for now, it seems like an easy platform.  It has all the section breaks and chapter bits and seems to be making it easy.  It's kind of exciting.

I have no idea what I'll do with the end result - if I get to that point.  I'm not sure if it would be something any publisher might ever be interested in and even if they were - I don't know how comfortable I would be about the idea of having it published.

But still, it's an exciting project.  It will be nice to have all my writing from the past year or so all in one place, just for posterity.

Of course, like anytime I'm working on a project that excites me - I'm up way too late and haven't done any housework for the evening.  I've no idea where my partner is but I think I heard the telly go off some time ago.

I'd better make myself STOP for the evening and go through my bedtime routines and get some SLEEP.  I should know, from bitter experience, that fatigue sets me up for horrible feelings of greyness and un-enthusiasm and that if I let it go on for too long, I start to get teary and irrational.

OK - 'nuff said!  BED.

It feels like ages since I've felt like this

I'm at the pub. I'm here because I don't want to be at home. I feel like I don't want to be at home because I don't feel happy or (emotionally) safe with my partner. I don't feel happy or safe with my partner because I made a small comment that turned into an ugly conversation. The ugly conversation led to me asking to gt out of the (moving) car. My partner told me I could get out if I wanted, and kept driving, even though I had the seatbelt off and the door open.

By the time we got home, I felt devastated. Churning inside and just horrendous. Aching for a drink, and a cigarette, I brought myself here. I really didn't know where else to go. This feels safer than home. This feels friendlier than home. At least I am calling it home again. I stopped that, for quite a long time.

So, what now? I don't know. I don't want to go home. That feels like it will just lead to more angst, and more nastiness. Why inflict that on myself?

So, why didn't I just sort it out then and there, on the spot? Well, I felt like I tried, and that it didn't work. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

So, what does being here achieve? A safe distance from the bad feelings, I guess. Does it make anything actually better? No, I guess not.

Is there another way? Yes, I suppose there is, but whatever it is, I'm not very good at it. Damn. I so want, when I am feeling good, to be better at it. When I feel like this, I just want everything to go away. Damn. Damn. Damn.

What happened to all my "progress"? What happened to all my good intentions? What happened to the happy?

Happy, for today, has packed up and gone home. Happy is a spoiled little brat and can turn on a dime and run away, tail between legs, at the smallest signs of confrontation. Happy is quivering under the bed, crying, curled in a small ball. Damn.

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Imagery

"Imagine things going well for you. Imagine that you know how to take care of the situation you are in. If you practice doing this, you will find that it begins to work for you. Things DO go better, and you CAN cope better. You can deal better with the crises in your life, if you practice feeling like you can take care of things."

That's from a DBT Self Help Site which seems to have some pretty useful information. I'm not finding that much time to dip into it though, what with work and commuting and kids and all. Still, it seems good to keep tucking things away here as reminders to myself.

Tiredness has just come crashing in for the night, so I think I need to call it a day. I just wanted to do a quick check in, really. It's enough for today.

 

 

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DBT Skills

1. Mindfulness
2. Distress Tolerance
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

Well. I didn't get that far (yet) with my explorations into mindfulness, but I was just thinking last night - perhaps the two biggies for me are actually distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

Maybe I'm just trying to squirm out of figuring my way through mindfulness. I don't know. Just in the past few weeks, I hadn't really felt that gripped by getting really into exploring mindfulness. Mind you, in the past three weeks I've had two really bad weekends with my partner, so perhaps mindfulness might have helped prevented that, had I been exercising it.

Anyway. Let's get back to distress tolerance. Distress tolerance is identified as a DBT crises coping skill. It seems that distress tolerance can be enhanced in a number of ways: distraction, self soothing, improving the moment, thinking of pros and cons.

I guess it would be a really good thing for me to read up on these strategies, and to somehow, maybe with the help of my partner, come up with some kind of an 'emotional crises first aid kit' - something we could dip into in an "emergency". A strategy, or set of options that we could reach for in times of need.

To me right now, the best two of those distraction strategies (the ones that sound like they might work the best for me) seem to be self soothing and improving the moment. So I think that over my next few posts here, I might aim to delve into those two aspects of utilising distraction as a way to deal with times of emotional crisis.

 

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Oops

I had another massive regress over the weekend, which of course leads to massive regrets. Add that to the leftover rib from last week that I just ate as a pre dinner snack and it all adds up to pretty uncomfortable. Not nearly as uncomfortable as I was on Saturday night and again on Sunday evening. What the hell happened? And whatever it was, it was definitely HELL.

Yuk. Again and again and again and again I say never ever again. I never want to feel like that again. And again and again and again and again, when the moment comes, when the tension gets too great, my brain just snaps. Then I cry and I scream and I rage and I drink and I smoke and I slam things and I curl in a shaking ball in a small dark place and I wish the earth would swallow me up.

Any progress? Maybe microscopic micro shuffles. I actually didn't voice the thoughts in my head about leaving my partner. I didn't (apart from drinking and smoking) self harm. I stayed at home - even if I did go and hide in the car .... Still hopeless, still miles to go, still 36 hours of hell. I so don't want to do that stuff anymore. I am so unsure of what it is I need to do to prevent it. I'm so frightened that one day the whole ugly scene will just chew me up and spit me out as something no longer recognisably human, and finally completely beyond repair.

But still I hope. And still we strive to find one another again. And still we scoop the shreds of our love back together again, and yet again. We want, we hope, we try, we cling. We love, we truly do love. Will it ever be enough?

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Mindfulness

So, what do I know about mindfulness? Almost nothing, I believe - so I will be starting from pretty much ground zero with this one. I suspect it's going to take considerably more than one blog posting for me to get my head around this! Let's start with some kind of definition, perhaps:

Mindfulness (from a psychological standpoint) involves 'bringing one's complete attention to the present experience on a moment to moment basis.

And that's just the beginning really. There's a lot of work required around the ideas of self regulated attention, conscious awareness, metacognitive skills. It's about, in part at least - maintaining open and curious attitudes, and thinking in alternative categories.

Just at this time of night, after a really full and busy day, I'm not sure how up to this concept I really am - but I thought that I would at least give it a bit of a beginners peek, and a baby step. In visiting mindfulness.org.au I learn that 'mindfulness meditation is becoming widely popular as and adjunct to conventional medical and psychological therapies'. OK, that's good. Where do I begin? How do I begin?

I am reading a quick introduction that explains that mindfulness is about being present in the moment, and about being a quiet and non judgemental observer of ones own thought patterns. It talks about watching the stream of consciousness rather than 'swimming in it'. One of the most interesting bits of the introductory statements, to me, is the explanation that mindfulness can then therefore give us information about the state of the mind. Mindfulness can be a 'how are you going' check in, of your own mental state.

I think it's all too much for me tonight. I try to watch and listen to my own thoughts and all I see and hear right now is sheer exhaustion. This is going to have to wait. Mindfulness, for me, will have to be a work in progress. I suspect that it needs to be, all of the time, anyway.

I will need to do a lot more exploration of and research on the topic before I have anything of any substance to really write about it here.

Ouch. More homework!

 

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(Another) New Beginning

So - I don't actually really know where to start, and in fact, I guess I'm not really just starting.  I do have a DBT (Dialectal Behaviour Therapy) book somewhere - that guides through skills and exercises, but to be honest - I think I'm currently at a point in my life where I need everything to be pretty portable.  So, in the interest of not having to remember to pack a certain book or set of notes, I'm going to try to move pretty much all of my 'self work' online, in some form or another, so I can access it wherever I am, whenever a find a suitable or desirable moment.

I'm currently looking at a DBT Self Help Site and at a list of skills.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_skills_list.html

I think I've probably outlined the DBT Skills before, then proceeded to ignore them - but either way, here they are again - because I think I need to pay them more attention:

1. Mindfulness
2. Distress Tolerance
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

I think it would be a very good thing for me to explore each of these concepts in more detail, and to use that as perhaps a theme, for my future postings in here.  

And whether or not I stick to THAT theme, I think the point is, I need to turn a positive spin on this blog - it was turning very negative and that's not going to help me, or anyone else.

So - over the next little while (or at least, this is my current intention) you are going to hear from me about the "good stuff" .... the stuff that makes me feel positive and happy, and anchors me in the this world - and about mindfulness (the wise mind).

I'm promising myself, as much as, or probably much more than I am promising you.  

Deal or no deal?

So, what happened to my 'project'

I began this blog as a way of tracking my progress, or lack of it, through a dark journey of fear, exhaustion, depression, diagnosis and improvement.  Looking back on where I was some months ago, I think I actually have made some steps.  Some of those steps kind of meant that I moved away from commitment to this writing space as my needs changed and grew.  Then I think something kind of bad happened.

I did start a new blog.  A happy blog.  A 'normal person' blog.  Then I kept blogging in here and began to think of them as the "innie" and the "outtie".  So, I would put my "happy thoughts for the day" on the other blog and my "dark thoughts for the day" in here.  Not good, I suspect.  What it's kind of meant is that this has become a place for me to come and have a whine.  So instead of tracking and supporting my progress, I think perhaps instead it's actually begun to track my LACK of progress, and to actually hold me back - by giving me a space to come back to all that insecurity and nastiness.

So - today is a new day.  Again and as always.  And I've realised that I either need to relinquish this space altogether, or to use it for better means.  I keep a diary as well, a personal journal - in which I put things that I think serve no purpose or interest for anyone but me.  But this was supposed to be a space of growth, of creativity, of improvement.  It was supposed to be a safe space, where it was OK to make it known that I was, and had been, quite unwell .... but it was still supposed to be GOOD and HELPFUL.  Whining and complaining are not really that good and helpful, so I think it's probably time for me to stop.

What I would like to track in here then, is my continued personal journey to wellness, and the things that I find helpful along the way.  I'm not ready to give up this safe and kind of private/public space, as you can see - but it's not like my other blog, where I'm out there with my "public" face on, saying the happy stuff that you say when you have visitors, kind of thing.  I realise there is a bit of a dichotomy here - but I also think that most people do have an inner and an outer way of communicating with the world.  This is more my inner circle kind of writings, and yes, for the foreseeable future, I plan to hide behind relative anonymity.  I don't think it really matters who I am for the purposes of this discussion.  Just a person on a journey.

What step will I take in my journey today?  Well, I've let the housework slip a bit again, and I read a lovely post somewhere last night addressing the "just do it" concept, and I realised I do really need to apply that to housework.  I don't like doing it.  So what?  I like the outcome.  So, as an act of love towards myself, and my family, I should just do it.  What a very strange concept for me.  How very foreign to my eyes and ears:

Housework is a step towards happiness.

Loving my home is an outward expression of loving myself and my family.

Just do it!

Sorry Nike.  It's not yours - it belongs to everyone.  We too, can claim the concept 'just do it'.

What else can I do for me and mine today?  I'm going to a counselling session this morning.  I haven't done my homework, nor can I remember what it was or where I put it - but I guess if I do some housework it might just turn up!  I have come to like my counselling sessions.  I think I especially like the ones my partner and I go to together.  At the time, when we are there, it doesn't really feel like we are making progress - but afterwards, in subtle ways, I think things really do shift.

I've noticed that something that really helps when I have gone to the brink is forwards commitments that I have.  If I feel like killing myself, but I have promised to pick a friend up from hospital the next day, it is one of the reasons that I don't.  I know in the past - work was that commitment, and by taking work away, I put myself in a very unsafe space in one sense - but on another level, I so desperately needed that break!  But I think that having POSITIVE and FUN forward commitments might be a really good thing (yes, we have some, but there's always room for more!).  I also know that in the past, having the prospect of visitors always helped me to be more enthusiastic about keeping house - so perhaps I should toy with the idea of inviting people over more often.

So - my three 'just do it' notes for myself, for today are:

1. do the housework - make a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming space
2. go to counselling (and do your homework!)
3. get involved more in positive and fun social activities (ones that involve committing ahead of time) both inside and outside of home

I think that's enough to decide to start aiming for, just for one day.

I guess there's no better time than the present to get started - so I'm off to do a bit of housework before going to my counselling session and then heading out to dinner with some friends!

Bloody hell it just goes on & on

It's just so hard to get decent communication happening.  I know that's pathetic, and totally hopeless, but that's how it feels.  Last night I spent half an hour waiting on a cold stainless steel bench on a traffic island in the middle of about 10 lanes of traffic in the middle of the night, to wait for the arrival of my "rescuer" so I could spend 2 hours in a car, culminated in an argument because he hadn't wanted to come home last night, and had planned to stay in the city.

The irony of that was that there was nothing I had wanted more to do than climb into a warm and quiet train, to wait half an hour in comfort and light, where I could read, and then to peacefully snooze for an hour of the hour and a quarter train journey.  I don't sleep in cars.  I find them jerky and uncomfortable, disconcerting and unpredictable.  They don't have the same peaceful and soothing noises as a train.  Besides, there's a driver, who is driving, and as the passenger, I feel obligated somehow, to repay that debt, with company and attention (to the best of my exhausted ability, at that time of night).

So - it was a lose, lose, and lose some more situation.  All because he wanted to do what was "right for me" (aka what he believed was right for me, with insufficient consultation) and because I don't know how to say "NO, leave me alone, I LIKE being by myself, and I was LOOKING FORWARD TO my train trip, my peace, and my solitude).  Damn, damn, damn.  How fucking hopeless is that?!?!?!?!

I'm so pissed off.  I missed out on my peace, quiet and contemplation.  I so wanted to reflect on the class I had just been to, and to read a couple of blogs I follow, and write in my own, and in my diary.  I was so tired, I was looking forward so much to letting my eyes slip shut as the train clicked and clacked along.  I love that  rhythm.  I was looking forwards to an evening (brief albeit, as it was already late) of solitude and more reflection.  I like the silly adventures of having to find a way home in the middle of the night because I had forgotten to park my car at the station.  And it was all spoiled.  In my efforts to please someone else, who I didn't realise was only trying to please me - I chose what I did not want, and got what I didn't need, and then was berated for ingratitude, to boot.  Damn, damn, damn.  How bloody stupid, and pointless, and what a shitload of wasted energy is THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Un-fucking-believable.

Now we are having similarly stupid, overly tentative, never state your own point of view because it's easier trying to double, triple and quadruple think the other persons point of view instead.  AND OF COURSE that's way more productive than just being bloody well upfront and honest about what YOU/ME/WE actually want.  God, why would you tell someone THAT?

So why do I keep coming back here?

Because the road to recovery is long and rocky I guess.  Today is a well day, a good day, in my terms, this morning at least, I might have even ventured to call it a great day.  But that great day has included a trip to the psychologist, for couples counselling and making arrangements to get updates/extensions to my 'mental health plan', and has included taking my partner (gently) to task about invading my privacy be reading my texts and emails in secret, without my consent.

So - how good is that, really?  Where does that rate on the scale of 'normal' or 'healthy'?  I'm not sure and I guess that's part of the reason I keep revisiting here.  Because there's things I want to talk about, to  write about, that I wouldn't do elsewhere.  This platform carries my thoughts about my hopes for mental (and physical/emotional) wellness, it bears witness to my relapses, big and small ... it's a place for me to put my sadness at my lack of progress, and my delight at my small and faltering steps forwards.

I do take steps forwards, I'm pretty sure.  They are small, and it's hard to tell.  I feel more like an ant than a man on the moon.  I don't even get that excited, they are such minuscule little movements - but I do sense improvement, and I have a wavering, breath held hope that I might eventually move completely beyond this space of uncertainty and lack of confidence, this place of recurring sadness and helplessness, and back out into the light of a "normal and happy" life.  It's been quite a while since I've felt confident that I might even be able to recognise one of those, if it ever does happen to me.

I do want it though.  Perhaps part of the difficulty in attaining this (to me almost fabled) state is my difficulty in envisioning it.  What does happy look like?  What does stable feel like?  How will I know when I get there?  Or is getting there even the aim, really, after all?  Is it simply working towards happiness, and trekking closer to stability, that is really the goal?

One day, perhaps, I will know.  Right now I don't feel like I am any kind of trailblazer.  I am just a quiet and sometimes frightened voice in the wilds of my own emotional jungle.  Somewhere in here with me is my Tarzan.  Together we are hacking through the vines and the undergrowth and on occasions (which seem to be becoming more frequent) together we scale the crazy trees and perch together in the sunlight.  For him I am grateful.  For this partner in my crazy, tiring, scarring and scary journey, I am so thankful.  I truly do not believe I could do this on my own.

Another Day at the Not Always Funny Farm

Ah, well.  Another day has long since dawned.  My eyeballs are already burning!  I didn't get up until almost a quarter to six, and it's not gone quite half eight.  Already I am exhausted.  You know, I think it's the emotional upheaval that causes that.  I think it burns up sooooooo much energy, in a sapping, draining way - not in a good way, like a run or a swim or something.  It's got to stop, it's got to stop.  I say that every time, but I have very limited success in preventing it from just coming around and slapping me again.

Off to counselling today.  Very soon in fact.  Just me today.  My partner and I have a joint appointment on Saturday.  We almost cancelled it - things were so horrible a day or two ago we were staring to say "what's the point"?  But at this stage, I think we will definitely go.  I haven't done my homework.  I don't even know where the blank sheets are that I was supposed to fill in.  Perhaps I'll dig around and see if I can find some online exercises that look similar, or an iPad app or something.  I probably should make some sort of an effort!

I know caffeine is not a very good solution to feeling tired (not in the long term anyway) - but I think I'm going to need another cup of coffee ..... soonish.

Dazed and Confused

It's half past seven in the evening and I am exhausted. Some days my entire life feels like an emotional roller coaster that has more downs than ups. Is that possible? My partner and my daughter - well, maybe it would not be accurate to say 'they are not getting on', but let's just say, he didn't appreciate her calling home a "f*ck*ng c^£t" and she feels that he provoked him into it, and therefore, it's not quite as big a deal as he is making out.

Where does that leave me? The meat in the sandwich, of course. Now she seems to be avoiding him, and says she wants to move out anyway. To make it all worse - I got to bear the full frontal force of all of his anger after the fact, as she stormed off as soon as she had said it. And all of this happened on Saturday night. It's Wednesday now, and I'm still a mess. I've been through the entire mill of curled in a ball crying-screaming snarling anger-drinking, smoking, shutting down-blame and hatred, wanting it to be over-looking for a new place to live ... you name it.

No wonder I am exhausted, I suppose.

And right now, almost ridiculously, I am sitting waiting for Indian take always and waiting for my partner to get home from work. My life some days seems like a sad, sick, twisted joke. And I can't figure out the punch line.

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And SMASH, CRACK, back full circle I go

Just when I think things are really looking up, they seem to take their darkest dives for the worst. Now I am back on that brink - except that I think I've stepped over it, to the other side. To the other side of pain, where hearts and minds are closed to possibilities, both good and bad. Back to that place which is 'Past Caring'.

The song running through my head right now is I Hope I Never, by Split Enz:




I fall apart when you’re around

When you’re here, I’m nowhere

I can’t pretend that I’m not down

I show it, I know it

I’ve been a fool

More than once, more than twice

I’m gonna move to a new town

Where the people are nice

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I still want to beam and smile

Happiness is back in style

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

It should be possible I know

To see you without stress

But I can see I’ll have to go

I’m changing my address

My urge to cry

I have failed to conceal

Life, it’s no fun when your hunted

By the things that you feel

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I’m for living while you can

I’m an optimistic man

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

I hope I never

I hope I never

I hope I never

Never, never, never

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

 

And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my partner right now. In fact, I believe I may have stopped thinking of him as my partner. It's horrible. I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling like I hate someone. I want so much to love. I felt like I had so much love to give, but now I just feel broken, all over again.

What brings these things, these feelings, these incidents, these gloom and doom filled days on - not much - well - it doesn't take much, is I guess what I mean, and ironically, to me it seems like the happier we are, the more likely it is to happen. I've had this horribly, slowly dawning realisation that my partner is nice to me provided it looks like there's about a 7/10 chance that I will leave him. No wait, make that 9/10, if it's 7/10 or higher, he puts the pressure right on to push it to the brink, then he challenges me: "what do you want? Do you wAnt it to be over" - over and over again until he gets me to say that I do, I do want it to be over. The. He is instantly regretful, sorrowful, penitent, and wants to fix it, wants to patch it up, wants to try again.

And then it's good for a while, while it hangs in the balance, but we are in that space of 'trying'. And it stays good for a little while, while we settle back into our routines and feel good about each other and try to rebuild a little bit of a base. But here's the thing, it seems to me that once he starts to feel safe in my commitment, he starts to be niggling, and horrible again, bit by bit sometimes, and other times, all of a rush.

I really struggle with this, but I really feel like I've started to identify a pattern. If he thinks I'm committed, and fairly certain to stay, he starts to pick on me, or those around me. When he's either frightened, or fairly certain that I've made up my mind to move out, and/or end it, he starts being nice, and loving, and conciliatory. What am I to do with that realisation?

I spent yesterday in a fog of physical, mental and emotional pain. This morning I spent the whole morning squabbling back and forwards with him by text and phone call. What a monumental waste of two lives. I can't continue to live standing accused of being the death knell of his relationship with his daughter, of being biased against him and towards the entire rest of the world, of imagining - oh so many things ....of having no compassion....

 

I..just..can't..stand..it..any..more

 

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Preparations

So, I'm going to go back to work full time. I just could no longer stand watching another, and yet another mortgage repayment (on my house) be repaid by my partner. I'm tired of not being able to fully contribute, and I gave up hope that my mortgage insurance would come through.

I made that decision a month or so ago and have tendered my resignations at both my part time, and my casual/contract jobs, which combined, were just not paying the bills. I have a start date back at my full time professional job, in the city - at the end of this month. I made the decision with dragging feet and a heavy heart - but I believe it is the only realistic choice for me to make right now.

Ironically, yesterday my mortgage insurance company called me to say that they have accepted my claim and have made a quite large back payment into my mortgage account. So it goes!

My partner and I struggle along, trying hard to love one another in the middle of the muddle. I do so,so want this relationship to succeed. It's proving to be one of my most difficult challenges yet! I don't know if it's him, or me, or my 'illness' - but we slide down some horribly slippery slopes and fine ourselves in some fairly awful places. Yet we persist. We attend counselling (probably not often enough) and we try again.

We are like the little girl with the curl. When we are good, we are very, very good ....

We love similar music and love to explore that together. We enjoy similar foods and both lean towards plant dominated, though omnivorous choices much of the time. We love to laugh together, over simple things, we like to watch movies together ...

Why do things get as bad as they do? We both struggle with that. We both drag our bags of stones, from past hurts, and we both struggle, I think, to filter what is real and now from what is past, but has scarred.

Fingers crossed: we will make it. Fingers crossed: work won't kill me.

I'm off to the shops to pick up some basics to refresh my 'corporate' wardrobe.

 

 

 

 

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Ch-ch-ch-changes ....

I think I will be blogging here less.  That is, less than the less that I was already blogging here!  That is because I think I have definitely taken some serious, if wavering - steps toward recovery.  I feel a change.  I don't know if others see a change, but for me it is very much there.  Counselling sessions are different, recovery times are shorter, fights are less extreme.  I drink less, I smoke much less.

These things are good!  So - with the new turns come new places to write.  I've started a journal at home, which will be personal, and I've started a new blog.  Completely different take on things - just the blog of a normal, enthusiastic, alive and engaged person.  I didn't want to go round that corner and stay here.  It didn't feel right.

For a time I suppose I will return here, and make some comments/postings - but I'm not sure how long for.  Everything has it's season, and this blog was a good vehicle for me to record and ponder over some stuff I had going on (not all of which is dealt with yet), but it was not something which I wished, for the most part, to share with personal friends and acquaintances, and in the end, that has started to feel weird.  I want to participate more.  I want to have my say, out loud.  Not whispering and whimpering in the dark and cold, locked out of everyday interactions.

So, it's not goodbye completely, just yet - but it's quite possibly a wind down, or at least a change ....

Perhaps I will need to come back here sometime, or from time to time.  I guess that's part of facing reality, and facing reality seems to be the only likely way to deal with it!

An 'Easy Tea'

I read a short story many years ago that sprang to mind yesterday. I think it might have been one of the stories in the book: 'Men, love, sex'. Good book. Was on a friends bookshelf and provided good late night reading while I babysat. The story I was thinking of yesterday was set on a bus, somewhere in the Northern Territory. One of the characters was a fat lady who was fond of preparing 'easy teas'. Yesterday I thought of that phrase.

An easy tea. A dinner that is fast, fuss free, easy to wash up after - yet will feed the family adequately, and leave all partakers feeling fed, at least in body. We had an easy tea last night, and not for the first time, my partner attested that we should do that more often. Truly, I think in a way akin to the kids when they were younger, the less effort that goes into a meal, the more likely he is to enjoy it.

Last nights easy tea was a chicken salad, made with a still warm BBQ chook from down the street - picked up on our way home. Leaves, dressing, bits and ends. Simple, fast, tasty and satisfying. And lots of scraps for the dog. Yes, he and the fat lady are right.

There's a lot to be said for an easy tea!

 

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Total Bummer

I just learned the hard way that pressing the + button in Blogsy (on the iPad) starts a new post. Great - but if you are working on an unposted one ... It is GONSKI.

NOT telling that whole story again today *sigh*.

So it goes!

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Experimenting

Well, another loooong gap between postings. I'm never sure if that means I've been good, or not. I've realised that's one of the complications of setting up a blog to chronicle a hoped for recovery process .... Posting a lot could mean that there is lots of progress, or possibly, that things are very bad. So, in this case, perhaps it's just mostly: neither of the above.

So, what's changed? I got an iPad - and have now found a blogging platform I want to play with. What has stayed the same? I still crumble into a heap at what other people would consider to be insignificant triggers.

When was the last time I made a lasagne? About a week ago. But it had been quite a while before that.

What else have I been up to? Working, a lot. Not much else at all.

Oh - I do have a 'show' at the moment, it's called The Legend of the Seeker, and I love it!!

The Seeker is just a great escape, with beautiful scenery and it's just the right kind of story for me - drama, magic, horses, love, a quest ....

Other fronts are just muddling along. I truly don't think I've made any progress at all in the past few months. I think I'm just treading water. I guess I should work harder!!

 

 

 

 

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It's been a while

Perhaps that means things have been good? I think they really have for a little while, and today is minor, on the scale of things. It's just that, inevitably it seems, there's this narkiness that rises to the surface. Although I can see a bit of a pattern to it, I just can't deal with it when it rears its ugly head.

There's just these points. I think they are triggered by things like: me not being 'wifely' enough, by fatigue, or by some other random stressors. At these times, when my partner feels pressured, or when others are not seeming to live up to his standard, or when he feels like he is doing more than his fair share, he just turns bitchy, acidic ... and starts to eat holes in me.

It starts out fairly undirected, fairly generic cplaints and criticisms, directed at the air, obtusely - just thrown out there, to anybody who happens to be listening. Except they anybody always seems to be me. And the comments get more and more pointed, more needling, more personal. Until I crack.

I don't know what else is supposed to happen. What are these disparaging remarks actually supposed to achieve? Tonight the net result is that I am sitting in the dark, in the cold night air, and I will not be well enough to see my child. Nothing good can come of this approach. Nothing good ever does.

I am tired. I am cold. I am lost. I am lonely. I am confused. And once again, for the first time in what feels like weeks, I must admit - I begin to despair.

I despair of ever being understood. I despair of ever being truly respected a, supported and appreciated. I despair of ever being stable, Nd reliably happy. I despair of ever truly knowing the meaning of self worth, and trust.

Past Caring

Another crap night.  I don't know what the ratio is, but it can't be good.  I get to this point sometimes, where I just feel a bit hollow.  Where it all doesn't really matter anymore.  Where I just think, OK - when my house is fixed, I will sell it, and I will pay my partner back whatever he feels I owe him, and if there is enough left over, I will buy a cheap van, just big enough to sleep in, and I will live in that.  I will try to earn just enough to feed myself, and cover vehicle expenses and have a little bit to try to share with the kids when I can.  I will park at the beach, or wherever, and just try to incur as few expenses as possible.  And just, well, just exist - with as little impact on anyone or anything as possible.

I get to this point where I think: nothing has ever worked for me, and it doesn't really seem like anything ever will, so why bother?  There's this Henry Lawson poem, and there's a refrain in it that rings so true.  Sure, the woman in the poem has had a MUCH harsher life, with way worse losses - but still, that feeling ... that feeling, I can relate.

This is the final stanza:

My eyes are dry, I cannot cry,
I've got no heart for breakin',
But where it was in days gone by,
A dull and empty achin'.
My last boy ran away from me,
I know my temper's wearin',
But now I only wish to be
Beyond all signs of carin'.
Past wearyin' or carin',
Past feelin' and despairin';
And now I only wish to be
Beyond all signs of carin'.

 Perhaps I am being a little melodramatic, relating to something like that - but like all things, if it's real for me, then there's truth in it, even if it's not a 'truth' that someone outside of me would be willing to accept.

I will go to work though.  Of course.  Like a robot.  And when I get there, I will be somebody else, one of those other me's - the one they expect to see.  And I will smile, and maybe even laugh, and I will enjoy my shift.  And then it will be over, and I will be back to the real world, of having nothing and no-one that I can trust or rely on to really hold me up, to truly support me, to validate me in a way that makes me know I am human, and loveable, and that I have worth.

It's time for me to go.  This contemplation will have to wait.  For now, all I know is, I am nothing - an empty shell.  On the outside of me can be projected whatever the observer needs to see.  That is survival.  But on the inside, there is nothing much.  Just dry, shrivelled up, broken pieces of hurt.  Sometimes they try to mend, and coalesce back into something that can flourish and shine.  Mostly they fail.

The Photoshoot

Well, I just moved on.  What else can you do?  We (my partner and I) are back to being affectionate with each other and back to the comfort of everyday routines.  I've let the rudeness, and the refusals just slide.  Will that work in the long run?  I don't know.  I no longer know whether being able to forgive, without resolution, and just move on is a good thing, or just a sign of 'can't be bothered'.  Is it about caring enough, or about not caring enough?  The eternal mystery.

Today the sun is shining.  The last throes of summer are here.  Daylight savings is over so the mornings seem shinier, but the evenings come down quickly.  How soon the season will turn and before long we will be splitting wood, and stoking the fire.  It seems a goodly while since winter last was here, and that is a positive thing.  I don't like it when the season spins around and I feel like just a moment ago it was here before.  I like it that it feels like summer stretched out an the warmth lasted longer than a minute.

What am I doing with myself today?  I have a psychologists appointment, and that's pretty much it.  I think I'll make a curry later, and do a meal plan for next week.  Now that the oven is working again, I should factor in a lasagne.  Next weeks a bit of a busy one, so it might need to be on the weekend.

I'm sleepy right now.  I woke up when my partner left for work.  But last night I sat up and watched a movie.  It was an Australian movie called 'The Boys are Back'.  It made me cry.  It was a poignant story, about a father who lost his partner, and was dealing with his two sons, with vast seas between them, and all the while, coping with his own grief.  I loved the story, and the pace, and the settings.  It was on a commercial channel, so I got the kitchen mostly clean during the ad breaks.  Not quite, but I forgave myself that when 11pm rolled around, and with the movie over, I woke my partner (who had been sleeping since before nine) and dredged him off the couch to come upstairs to bed.

Yesterday I worked a half shift (4 hours) in the store, then went down into the city to an agency I have signed up with, hoping to pick up a bit of extra work - ads, or whatever.  Just for a bit of additional cash.  I had a photo shoot yesterday.  The first time I went I neglected to take the requested several changes of outfit, for the pictures for their website.  They did take some shots of me that day anyway, in what I had rocked up to my interview in.  Yesterday I took in a few more things, and I think some of the shots have turned out OK.

I have no idea if it's a stupid thing to do or not.  I haven't done that kind of work before, really.  The photo shoot cost me $250, and other than that, I think they just take a percentage, if they manage to get you any work.  I'm hoping I get a bit here and there, but I have not a clue what the odds are, or if they have people who sit on their books for years, and never get anything.  We shall see.

And that's just about it for now.  I'm sleepy.  Maybe I'll catch a bit of extra zzzz before I actually get up for the day.  Then when I do get up for the day, well - I guess I'll work out my plans then.  Quite frankly, I don't feel like doing much at all!

Unhappy Endings

We had a great weekend, marred by a horrible Sunday night.  What happened?  Everything was going so well.  What a typical microcosmic reflection of my life in general.  I'll be rocking along all very nicely thank you, and the next thing, I find myself curled up in a ball of misery and despair.  This weekend was like that.  So here I am, Monday morning - unwashed, and unfed, and wishing for - nothingness.  Sad, sad, sad.

I struggle so much with my partners absolute refusal to own his own rudeness and obnoxiousness.  I understand that I am a difficult person, and that it doesn't take much to tip me over the edge, but I need, really really need, when something does, for the other person to understand the reality of the role that they have played.  Yes, even when my reaction is disproportionate, even when a 'normal' person would have shrugged off the insult and moved on, or tackled it on the spot, with a kind rebuttal, and sorted it out right there and then .... if it makes me fall to pieces, it is real for me, horrendously, horrifyingly, life threateningly real.  If it makes me miserable and helpless, and incapacitated, no matter how unbelievable it is to others for me it is ACTUAL, it HAPPENED, and it damaged me, and I need HELP.

The horrible aftermath of that is the if help does not come, yes, eventually (up until now at least) I am able to haul myself back out, but I am just that little step more distant from whomever or whatever it is that hurt me.  There is a scar, a callous, a hardening.  When I ask for help to resolve, it's like asking for a salve, a balm, the rose hip oil (the scarless healer).  The something that will take away the pain and hurt and help me to move past that point.  Rationality can come later, when I have my land legs, my sane mind, back again - but when I am in that ugly dark place reason (denial of the reality that I AM experiencing) just drives me further under.

Struggle.  I struggle with the basics.  I struggle with normal loads of housework.  I struggle to hold down a regular job.  I struggle with the normal, even, smooth family relationships that others seem to be able to manage.  I struggle with basic personal care.  I struggle to eat sensibly, I struggle to even like myself, let alone love myself.  I struggle to understand why anyone would be bothered to uphold an ongoing relationship of any sort with me.  I struggle to accept that I can be loved.

I struggle to allow myself the time to be me.  I struggle to know who ME actually is.  I have a photoshoot tomorrow, with an agency (desperate for cash, I decided to sign up to be rent-a-crowd).  They asked me to bring 3 outfits of my own, that are different, but that are ME.  WTF?  Who is me?  I just have uniforms.  And house clothes, and things that don't fit.  And work clothes from other jobs.  And things I bought in a rush, from the bottom of the price bracket - to attend social events where not having anything appropriate would offend the hosts.  What the hell am I going to take?  Three outfits that I like!  I don't really even have ONE.

So that's where I am right now today.

I made the brown lentil & honey slow cooker dish again last night.  I have no idea what it was like, because I was too upset to eat.  It can't have been that great, because I packed up three lunch boxes of it last night & they are all still in the fridge, and have been pushed right to the back.

I do have meal plans for the week.  No lasagnes in sight.  Perhaps that is the problem.  Perhaps I've lost my way again altogether.  Lasagne was supposed to be one of my anchors, one of my signals to myself that things were getting better - that life is complex, not easy - and that not everything turns out perfectly, but that in general, some appreciation, nourishment and enjoyment can be derived from it anyway.  I guess I had lost sight of that again.

My one healing project yesterday, in a flash of inspiration (which was later crushed & crumbled) was to make a playlist of one song each from all of the musicians who are playing this year at the Byron Bay Blues Festival.  It cost me a day of searching & downloading and a $35 iTunes bill - but it's a great playlist.  I so wanted to listen to it over dinner last night, but for me, dinner didn't happen.

Despite all that, I'm listening to the playlist now.  I didn't think I'd be able to as it has now developed some nasty associations - but it is an excellent playlist full of amazing artists, and I can't help but enjoy it, despite all the other shit that has gone down.

My partner is refusing to apologise, claiming that he did nothing.  He was rude and nasty as I was trying to get meals for us on the table, and drove me away - out of the house and out of my stable and sane mind.  He says he did nothing wrong.  I suppose the choice for me is then do I accept that, or do I insist that it is VITAL for me that he understands that while he may view his behaviour as acceptable, for me it was UNACCEPTABLE and DAMAGING.  What do I do?  I'm lost.  I don't know.  I'm sad, I'm drifting in the sea of unsafety.  I have no rudder, no direction, no sails (no drive).  Where to from here?  It always seems like down into the dark is the clearest way open.  How do I look up into the light?  And if I do - does that mean "move away from pain", "relinquish that which hurts you"?

If only he could understand that what I need is acknowledgement.  I don't have to have things to be different right now.  He doesn't need to be anyone other than he is, but I do need to hear:  I'm sorry, I hurt you, I can see that, I didn't mean to, what can I do now?  How can we make it better?

I'm listening to a song call by a group called Dawes, it's called 'If I wanted Someone'.  It sums it up:

like the memory from your mother’s house from before you got too old
like the feeling from a photograph before it’s meanings all got told
the words I say can be silver, but what’s left unsaid can be gold
so get to know me once I go away

maybe ‘cause I come from such an empty-hearted town
or maybe ‘cause some love of mine had really let me down
but the only time I am lonely is when others are around
I just never end up knowing what to say

if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy

I took everything I thought from what it means to be a man
we need words to be put to what we do not understand
while you lean into the echoes and you do not raise a hand
oh woman, help me see it like it is

if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy

if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to cut me down, I’d have handed you the blade
I want you to make the days move easy
I just want you to make the days move easy

Once we had dreams.  I wonder if these days we just have sadness, emptiness, troubles and regrets.  I never really wanted anything much from my partner - just for him to make my 'days move easy'.  I don't need much, but I do need love, acknowledgement and understanding.  I need to have my feelings and perceptions recognised as REAL.  So being NOT SORRY, is like saying "I did nothing, you are fucked in the head for being upset, it's all in your imagination, you are an idiot, an emotional cripple, an hysteric and I refuse to try to see it from your point of view.  Get over it, without help, I have nothing to do with your current state".

And that kills me.

I've been so busy!

This is absolutely the first moment of reflective quiet that I have had, where I am at home, with access to the laptop - since my last post.  And so much has happened.  To be honest, having read that last post right now, I don't know that my partner and I have really done that much work directly on our issues, or the relationship - but we really have made an effort at just being good to each other, and being loving, and close, and yes, talking - when there is time!

Crazy crazy times.  There was the week of having my mother here.  Then there was an entire week of training for my new job.  My job is part time, but the training was full time, and stretched into a second week as well - and some of it was conducted in the CBD - so it was back to massive days & long commutes for a few days there.  I have my part time roster now.  Yesterday & the day before I did my first two real shifts, on my duties, in the store.  It was really fun.  I have today & tomorrow off, then another 4 hour shift on Sunday.

What else is going on in my life?  I haven't progressed very far with my FLYlady baby steps - but I've been mostly managing to polish the sink and leave it clean and clear each night.  There have been a few exceptions, but not many.  One of the nice things that has happened is that without any prompting, the au pair has been mirroring the sink behaviour - so if he washes up, he goes through much the same process, which is excellent.  Most days I remind myself to get up and get dressed, all the way down to my shoes.  I haven't today.  I've snuck out in my dressing gown.  But I might actually sneak back to bed for a little bit once I've finished this post.  Not sure.  I got up when my partner headed off to work for the day.  I'm not sure if I've slept enough - but - he gets up then, and works a full shift, so in some senses I feel like I should be up and doing things too.

As I exited the bedroom (in the dark) this morning, I could see a little patch of something on the floor.  I flipped on the light to see what it was.  My partner has left me a little notebook (I've still been forgetting lots of things) and he's written my first few reminders/things to do in there.  It's very sweet.  I really do need a little tool like that.

So am I back from the brink?  Yes and absolutely.  Will I go there again?  Sadly, history seems to indicate that it's highly likely.  Have I learned any coping tools?  Maybe.

Here's a bit of a list of what seems to be working so far:

• the Naturopath - I think those supplements have been HUGE
• the Chiropractor - but not just any old chiropractor, it needs to be a really good one
• routine, such as the FLYlady
• reading about BPD, but not allowing myself to associate as THAT person too much
• friends - close ones, who I've told what's going on, just being supportive, accepting, and loving

Funny, but I'm reluctant to put the psychologist on that list.  Of all the tools and support I've played around with, I've felt the least helped by that - but the world is a funny place and help can be a subtle thing, so I don't want to write it off completely - but it's definitely not in my top five.

Oh - CHANGING JOBS!!  Getting out of a toxic and exhausting environment, and then finding work somewhere positive and fun, where employees are treated not only as human beings, but as people with enormous (and varied) potential.  THAT is huge.

OK - well, it's nearly enough from me for one post.  I haven't made a lasagne since the crock pot cheese and spinach one.  We have been doing a lot of crock pot meals though.  The oven element is broken at the moment, so hooray for the crock pot!

I've gotten really quite enthusiastic about meal planning, and meal preparation, which is kind of nice.  We've been eating really well & lots of variety with lots of great leftovers to take for work lunches.  A must, now that the budget is so much tighter.  

We will survive.  I will survive.

The Brink Again

I'm right back there, looking at the abyss.  Theres a big black hole just beckoning me, calling me come in. I just want there to be nothing.  No-one.  No tomorrow.  No bills, no stress, no pressure, none of these feelings of absolute despair and worthlessness.

I woke this morning and I just lay here, wishing I was not awake, wishing that I was NOT.  When I feel like this I just don't want to exist.  I want to cease.  I want to be swallowed, by the jaws of the malevolent universe, and drawn into it's acidic stomach, and melted to nothing, with no memory or pain left behind.

The only thing that holds me on this earth is my kids.  I so wanted to go, even this morning.  I have the opportunity.  My partner has gone out to golf, the au pair is not awake, and my son is still sleeping also.  The only thing that stays my hand is the thought of my beautiful ten year old son finding me, and the trauma that would cause him.  I don't fear what his life might be like without me, he has an excellent father, and lots of loving family and friends around him, he would be fine.  But I don't want him to be scarred by finding a bloody or mangled body and realising that I was dead.

I do worry about my daughter, and who would be there for her if I were gone.  Her father is far away, and she is not completely independent yet.  She's very good, and has another job now - but she still comes to me for help, and for food.  I helped her to pay for something for her car the other day.  My partner was angry, I'm sure.  He's angry and resentful about all the money I spend, but I don't know what else to do.  How can I refuse her when I have money in the bank?  She is my child.  She is trying to make a life for herself, but isn't quite there yet.  She does so much for herself and it's been so long since she's been under my roof.  She shelters elsewhere, only eats with me sometimes, mostly clothes herself, and manages to be independently mobile nearly all of the time.  When she does come to me for help, I am just grateful to see her and that she feels she can ask.

My big son is overseas, and he is fine now.  He's pretty much completely out of the nest, and has a life of his own.  I don't think my presence or absence on the planet would affect him very much at all.

So I live for the younger two.  I go to the naturopath, the doctor, the psychologist and the chiropractor, and even to my chinese lessons, to try to make myself well enough to continue to exist on the planet, to do the things I need to do for them.

Up until recently, I had worked to pay my passage on this planet, for the time I need to stay here.  Then I became so unwell that full time professional work was no longer an option.  It was going to kill me.  So, by agreement with my partner, I stopped.  And now it's an issue.  I spend too much.  I earn too little.  I don't budget.  I have no thought for the future.

Of course I have no thought for the future!  It's a miracle that I am alive today.  The statistics for BPD sufferers are not that great.  Death by suicide is hundreds, if not thousands of times more common for Borderlines than it is for the general populace.  And I'm here to tell you, it's a huge temptation.  The pull of the knife, the bathroom medications, the cord, the veranda rail ... the road, the sea, the rocks and forest offering up spiders and snakes ... it is great.  The wish to slip away into nothingness, to not have to deal with any of this anymore, it is strong.

I've been trying.  I feel like I've been trying so hard.  And up until last night, I had been feeling that my partner has been really there for me, really supportive.  Last night, I felt like he felled me like a tree.  Then he walked away.  At the time when I needed him most, he walked away, saying "I can't handle this" and he closed two doors between us.  

I was trying so hard not to self harm.  I lay there and told myself: nononononononononononoo.  I gripped my hands between my legs to try to stop from hitting myself.  I clutched the pillow.  I cried.  I was alone.  I felt completely abandoned and worthless.  I hate myself enough, without having the person I need approval from more than anything else in the world denounce me, then walk away.  

I did go to get him, in the end.  I had to.  I was going to really hurt myself.  I went to him and cried you are supposed to help me!!  He did.  But somewhere in all of this, he also booked in to golf for this morning.  When I went to bed last night, I asked him: 'what are you doing tomorrow?', and he replied: 'I don't know'.  Yet somehow, today, he got up and went.  He says I am better off without him around when I am like this.  Perhaps there is some truth in that, but I always come back to that saying:

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, 

THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST.

I keep thinking - we can avoid this all we like, but it's not the same as dealing with it.  He can go away and wait until I am feeling better, and come back when the coast is clear.  It works, in the immediate term.  He can slink off and leave me to sort out the mess of my feelings.  Sometimes I really do work through some stuff, while he skirts around it.  But there's not much point me being whole and healed if the relationship is still bent and broken.  It won't do us any good.  It doesn't work that way.

If the relationship is my biggest trigger, then the relationship is what needs to be worked on, even if my partner feels like he is not the one with the problem.  He does have a problem, a really big one.  ME.  And the fact of the matter is, if he wants to keep US, then WE have to work on fixing ME.  If I do it all by myself, it will only work when I am all by myself.  He can give me the time, and the shelter and the financial support for me to heal myself, and perhaps to a degree I will be fixed, but WE will not be fixed, and so the relationship will have no substance, or meaning.

I've walked that road before.  I've accepted in a past relationship that I was the problem, and I worked and worked and worked, to fix me.  I had tried to fix the relationship prior to that - but I was doing it on my own, and as the (another) saying goes, it takes TWO to tango.  When you do some things alone, they are meaningless, worthless.  There's not point fixing myself by myself if the only (or major) bit of myself that is broken is the bit that has relationships with significant others.  That's something I can only work on in PARTNERSHIP with a partner.  

If I have to fix it by myself, I may as well be by myself, and then I wouldn't need to fix it anyway.

So what am I doing?  Sitting here with a raging headache, a sore, raw throat, and a wish to die, faced with sorting it out by myself, yet again.  It gives me no hope for a future, or any desire to be with the partner who abandons me at my times of greatest need.

Where do I go from here?

No Photos!

I've just this instant realised none of us took a single photo while Mum was here.  How completely remiss of me.  She's just left, this morning.  She and my partner have gone down to the airport by train, and he will go on to work from there.  It's so much easier than driving.  I'm going down this afternoon.  There's some things I need to do, and then my partner and I are meeting up with friends, for dinner.  It should be really nice.  I guess I'd better sneak back to sleep for a little while if we are going to be out late this evening.  I'm still fairly fatigue prone at the moment.

We had a nice final evening with Mum last night.  We opted not to go out for dinner.  It's easier, and more enjoyable with the kids, really, just to stay at home.  I did end up doing lamb shanks with red wine.  I did them in the slow cooker.  They worked out really nicely, though probably could have done with another hour of cooking.  They were done, and tasty, but not falling off the bone.  I did a tray of baklava as well.  My (Greek) partner (I am not) didn't even blink.  I was a bit miffed.  Oh well, so it goes.  He did oblige me and make us some Greek coffee, to have with it, which was really lovely.

I want to try making baklava with some macadamia nuts, and some leatherwood honey.  I think it would be really unique.  I think maybe just using macadamias in place of the almonds, rather than the entire nut filling being macadamia.  And I think I will use a bit more clove powder than yesterday, and more orange peel .... but just for now, there's plenty of baklava left from last night.  I crushed the nuts just a bit too much too - but it's still really nice.  I hadn't made baklava for years.

My sink is still shiny this morning, though I haven't read my flylady instructions since about the first day that Mum was here.  Time to get back to them I think.  I've got this huge list of things to do that I didn't address at all during Mum's visit.  It was lovely to have her here - but it is time consuming having someone around all the time, and I do (for whatever reason) find her really quite demanding.  A couple of times I just felt completely exhausted.  At one stage one evening, when I came upstairs to use the toilet, I was just so relieved to be in a small, quiet place by myself, I just put my head on the sink and sat their for a while.  Mum pretty much never shuts up.  She loves to talk, to whoever will listen, about whatever crosses her mind, and her voice is really quite strident .... generally I'm OK with it, but while I'm so fatigued, I do start to find it really quite wearing.  How selfish of me!

Oh well, it's over now.  And now I will miss her.  And I'm sure it will be quite some time before she visits again, or we visit them.  The distances are really quite great.  Not like having them overseas, but it is a long way.  And with everyones other commitments, like work and school - it gets hard to coordinate things, though always worth the effort when we do, despite the little strains and tensions.

I've spotted another great link today, that I thought I would like to explore - it was a 100 day happiness challenge.  I've just had a closer look and realised I missed the start date for that particular program.  I'll have to keep a lookout for similar things.  It does seem like every little action is a building block for happiness.  I guess one of the realisations I need to come by is that to a degree, happiness is made.  You can manufacture it.  I'm not sure, at this stage, that I can just sit on my butt and wait for happiness to come to me - I have to get out there and MAKE it.  To me, it looks like some people just are, or just get, happiness, quite naturally.  Perhaps it is just an illusion.  I'm not sure.  But for me, right now, at this stage in my life, attaining happiness requires effort, and MAINTAINING happiness requires effort.  Perhaps, with practice, I can make it seem, and maybe even feel effortless too - but not right now.  Right now it calls for serious work.

Excuse me, I'm off to do my happiness work.  LOL.

Today, what might be required?

• review the Fly Lady's instructions
• catch up on the washing
• take some serious time out for ME
• put away the clean clothes waiting in the baskets
• look at the program for the local festival that is on this weekend

and that might be enough - by the time I catch trains to the city, visit my boss, and meet up with my partner to go out to dinner tonight.

I have to keep reminding me to be kind to myself.  But I have to also keep reminding me that being kind to myself doesn't necessarily mean sleeping, or slumping in front of the computer all day!

Have a wonderful day.  I'm planning on it.  (Gee - I think the supplements from the Naturopath might be working!)