And SMASH, CRACK, back full circle I go

Just when I think things are really looking up, they seem to take their darkest dives for the worst. Now I am back on that brink - except that I think I've stepped over it, to the other side. To the other side of pain, where hearts and minds are closed to possibilities, both good and bad. Back to that place which is 'Past Caring'.

The song running through my head right now is I Hope I Never, by Split Enz:




I fall apart when you’re around

When you’re here, I’m nowhere

I can’t pretend that I’m not down

I show it, I know it

I’ve been a fool

More than once, more than twice

I’m gonna move to a new town

Where the people are nice

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I still want to beam and smile

Happiness is back in style

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

It should be possible I know

To see you without stress

But I can see I’ll have to go

I’m changing my address

My urge to cry

I have failed to conceal

Life, it’s no fun when your hunted

By the things that you feel

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I’m for living while you can

I’m an optimistic man

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

I hope I never

I hope I never

I hope I never

Never, never, never

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

 

And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my partner right now. In fact, I believe I may have stopped thinking of him as my partner. It's horrible. I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling like I hate someone. I want so much to love. I felt like I had so much love to give, but now I just feel broken, all over again.

What brings these things, these feelings, these incidents, these gloom and doom filled days on - not much - well - it doesn't take much, is I guess what I mean, and ironically, to me it seems like the happier we are, the more likely it is to happen. I've had this horribly, slowly dawning realisation that my partner is nice to me provided it looks like there's about a 7/10 chance that I will leave him. No wait, make that 9/10, if it's 7/10 or higher, he puts the pressure right on to push it to the brink, then he challenges me: "what do you want? Do you wAnt it to be over" - over and over again until he gets me to say that I do, I do want it to be over. The. He is instantly regretful, sorrowful, penitent, and wants to fix it, wants to patch it up, wants to try again.

And then it's good for a while, while it hangs in the balance, but we are in that space of 'trying'. And it stays good for a little while, while we settle back into our routines and feel good about each other and try to rebuild a little bit of a base. But here's the thing, it seems to me that once he starts to feel safe in my commitment, he starts to be niggling, and horrible again, bit by bit sometimes, and other times, all of a rush.

I really struggle with this, but I really feel like I've started to identify a pattern. If he thinks I'm committed, and fairly certain to stay, he starts to pick on me, or those around me. When he's either frightened, or fairly certain that I've made up my mind to move out, and/or end it, he starts being nice, and loving, and conciliatory. What am I to do with that realisation?

I spent yesterday in a fog of physical, mental and emotional pain. This morning I spent the whole morning squabbling back and forwards with him by text and phone call. What a monumental waste of two lives. I can't continue to live standing accused of being the death knell of his relationship with his daughter, of being biased against him and towards the entire rest of the world, of imagining - oh so many things ....of having no compassion....

 

I..just..can't..stand..it..any..more

 

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