I began this blog as a way of tracking my progress, or lack of it, through a dark journey of fear, exhaustion, depression, diagnosis and improvement. Looking back on where I was some months ago, I think I actually have made some steps. Some of those steps kind of meant that I moved away from commitment to this writing space as my needs changed and grew. Then I think something kind of bad happened.
I did start a new blog. A happy blog. A 'normal person' blog. Then I kept blogging in here and began to think of them as the "innie" and the "outtie". So, I would put my "happy thoughts for the day" on the other blog and my "dark thoughts for the day" in here. Not good, I suspect. What it's kind of meant is that this has become a place for me to come and have a whine. So instead of tracking and supporting my progress, I think perhaps instead it's actually begun to track my LACK of progress, and to actually hold me back - by giving me a space to come back to all that insecurity and nastiness.
So - today is a new day. Again and as always. And I've realised that I either need to relinquish this space altogether, or to use it for better means. I keep a diary as well, a personal journal - in which I put things that I think serve no purpose or interest for anyone but me. But this was supposed to be a space of growth, of creativity, of improvement. It was supposed to be a safe space, where it was OK to make it known that I was, and had been, quite unwell .... but it was still supposed to be GOOD and HELPFUL. Whining and complaining are not really that good and helpful, so I think it's probably time for me to stop.
What I would like to track in here then, is my continued personal journey to wellness, and the things that I find helpful along the way. I'm not ready to give up this safe and kind of private/public space, as you can see - but it's not like my other blog, where I'm out there with my "public" face on, saying the happy stuff that you say when you have visitors, kind of thing. I realise there is a bit of a dichotomy here - but I also think that most people do have an inner and an outer way of communicating with the world. This is more my inner circle kind of writings, and yes, for the foreseeable future, I plan to hide behind relative anonymity. I don't think it really matters who I am for the purposes of this discussion. Just a person on a journey.
What step will I take in my journey today? Well, I've let the housework slip a bit again, and I read a lovely post somewhere last night addressing the "just do it" concept, and I realised I do really need to apply that to housework. I don't like doing it. So what? I like the outcome. So, as an act of love towards myself, and my family, I should just do it. What a very strange concept for me. How very foreign to my eyes and ears:
I did start a new blog. A happy blog. A 'normal person' blog. Then I kept blogging in here and began to think of them as the "innie" and the "outtie". So, I would put my "happy thoughts for the day" on the other blog and my "dark thoughts for the day" in here. Not good, I suspect. What it's kind of meant is that this has become a place for me to come and have a whine. So instead of tracking and supporting my progress, I think perhaps instead it's actually begun to track my LACK of progress, and to actually hold me back - by giving me a space to come back to all that insecurity and nastiness.
So - today is a new day. Again and as always. And I've realised that I either need to relinquish this space altogether, or to use it for better means. I keep a diary as well, a personal journal - in which I put things that I think serve no purpose or interest for anyone but me. But this was supposed to be a space of growth, of creativity, of improvement. It was supposed to be a safe space, where it was OK to make it known that I was, and had been, quite unwell .... but it was still supposed to be GOOD and HELPFUL. Whining and complaining are not really that good and helpful, so I think it's probably time for me to stop.
What I would like to track in here then, is my continued personal journey to wellness, and the things that I find helpful along the way. I'm not ready to give up this safe and kind of private/public space, as you can see - but it's not like my other blog, where I'm out there with my "public" face on, saying the happy stuff that you say when you have visitors, kind of thing. I realise there is a bit of a dichotomy here - but I also think that most people do have an inner and an outer way of communicating with the world. This is more my inner circle kind of writings, and yes, for the foreseeable future, I plan to hide behind relative anonymity. I don't think it really matters who I am for the purposes of this discussion. Just a person on a journey.
What step will I take in my journey today? Well, I've let the housework slip a bit again, and I read a lovely post somewhere last night addressing the "just do it" concept, and I realised I do really need to apply that to housework. I don't like doing it. So what? I like the outcome. So, as an act of love towards myself, and my family, I should just do it. What a very strange concept for me. How very foreign to my eyes and ears:
Housework is a step towards happiness.
Loving my home is an outward expression of loving myself and my family.
Just do it!
Sorry Nike. It's not yours - it belongs to everyone. We too, can claim the concept 'just do it'.
What else can I do for me and mine today? I'm going to a counselling session this morning. I haven't done my homework, nor can I remember what it was or where I put it - but I guess if I do some housework it might just turn up! I have come to like my counselling sessions. I think I especially like the ones my partner and I go to together. At the time, when we are there, it doesn't really feel like we are making progress - but afterwards, in subtle ways, I think things really do shift.
I've noticed that something that really helps when I have gone to the brink is forwards commitments that I have. If I feel like killing myself, but I have promised to pick a friend up from hospital the next day, it is one of the reasons that I don't. I know in the past - work was that commitment, and by taking work away, I put myself in a very unsafe space in one sense - but on another level, I so desperately needed that break! But I think that having POSITIVE and FUN forward commitments might be a really good thing (yes, we have some, but there's always room for more!). I also know that in the past, having the prospect of visitors always helped me to be more enthusiastic about keeping house - so perhaps I should toy with the idea of inviting people over more often.
So - my three 'just do it' notes for myself, for today are:
- do the housework - make a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming space
- go to counselling (and do your homework!)
- get involved more in positive and fun social activities (ones that involve committing ahead of time) both inside and outside of home
I think that's enough to decide to start aiming for, just for one day.
I guess there's no better time than the present to get started - so I'm off to do a bit of housework before going to my counselling session and then heading out to dinner with some friends!
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