It's just so hard to get decent communication happening. I know that's pathetic, and totally hopeless, but that's how it feels. Last night I spent half an hour waiting on a cold stainless steel bench on a traffic island in the middle of about 10 lanes of traffic in the middle of the night, to wait for the arrival of my "rescuer" so I could spend 2 hours in a car, culminated in an argument because he hadn't wanted to come home last night, and had planned to stay in the city.
The irony of that was that there was nothing I had wanted more to do than climb into a warm and quiet train, to wait half an hour in comfort and light, where I could read, and then to peacefully snooze for an hour of the hour and a quarter train journey. I don't sleep in cars. I find them jerky and uncomfortable, disconcerting and unpredictable. They don't have the same peaceful and soothing noises as a train. Besides, there's a driver, who is driving, and as the passenger, I feel obligated somehow, to repay that debt, with company and attention (to the best of my exhausted ability, at that time of night).
So - it was a lose, lose, and lose some more situation. All because he wanted to do what was "right for me" (aka what he believed was right for me, with insufficient consultation) and because I don't know how to say "NO, leave me alone, I LIKE being by myself, and I was LOOKING FORWARD TO my train trip, my peace, and my solitude). Damn, damn, damn. How fucking hopeless is that?!?!?!?!
I'm so pissed off. I missed out on my peace, quiet and contemplation. I so wanted to reflect on the class I had just been to, and to read a couple of blogs I follow, and write in my own, and in my diary. I was so tired, I was looking forward so much to letting my eyes slip shut as the train clicked and clacked along. I love that rhythm. I was looking forwards to an evening (brief albeit, as it was already late) of solitude and more reflection. I like the silly adventures of having to find a way home in the middle of the night because I had forgotten to park my car at the station. And it was all spoiled. In my efforts to please someone else, who I didn't realise was only trying to please me - I chose what I did not want, and got what I didn't need, and then was berated for ingratitude, to boot. Damn, damn, damn. How bloody stupid, and pointless, and what a shitload of wasted energy is THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
Un-fucking-believable.
Now we are having similarly stupid, overly tentative, never state your own point of view because it's easier trying to double, triple and quadruple think the other persons point of view instead. AND OF COURSE that's way more productive than just being bloody well upfront and honest about what YOU/ME/WE actually want. God, why would you tell someone THAT?
The irony of that was that there was nothing I had wanted more to do than climb into a warm and quiet train, to wait half an hour in comfort and light, where I could read, and then to peacefully snooze for an hour of the hour and a quarter train journey. I don't sleep in cars. I find them jerky and uncomfortable, disconcerting and unpredictable. They don't have the same peaceful and soothing noises as a train. Besides, there's a driver, who is driving, and as the passenger, I feel obligated somehow, to repay that debt, with company and attention (to the best of my exhausted ability, at that time of night).
So - it was a lose, lose, and lose some more situation. All because he wanted to do what was "right for me" (aka what he believed was right for me, with insufficient consultation) and because I don't know how to say "NO, leave me alone, I LIKE being by myself, and I was LOOKING FORWARD TO my train trip, my peace, and my solitude). Damn, damn, damn. How fucking hopeless is that?!?!?!?!
I'm so pissed off. I missed out on my peace, quiet and contemplation. I so wanted to reflect on the class I had just been to, and to read a couple of blogs I follow, and write in my own, and in my diary. I was so tired, I was looking forward so much to letting my eyes slip shut as the train clicked and clacked along. I love that rhythm. I was looking forwards to an evening (brief albeit, as it was already late) of solitude and more reflection. I like the silly adventures of having to find a way home in the middle of the night because I had forgotten to park my car at the station. And it was all spoiled. In my efforts to please someone else, who I didn't realise was only trying to please me - I chose what I did not want, and got what I didn't need, and then was berated for ingratitude, to boot. Damn, damn, damn. How bloody stupid, and pointless, and what a shitload of wasted energy is THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
Un-fucking-believable.
Now we are having similarly stupid, overly tentative, never state your own point of view because it's easier trying to double, triple and quadruple think the other persons point of view instead. AND OF COURSE that's way more productive than just being bloody well upfront and honest about what YOU/ME/WE actually want. God, why would you tell someone THAT?
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