It's been a while

Perhaps that means things have been good? I think they really have for a little while, and today is minor, on the scale of things. It's just that, inevitably it seems, there's this narkiness that rises to the surface. Although I can see a bit of a pattern to it, I just can't deal with it when it rears its ugly head.

There's just these points. I think they are triggered by things like: me not being 'wifely' enough, by fatigue, or by some other random stressors. At these times, when my partner feels pressured, or when others are not seeming to live up to his standard, or when he feels like he is doing more than his fair share, he just turns bitchy, acidic ... and starts to eat holes in me.

It starts out fairly undirected, fairly generic cplaints and criticisms, directed at the air, obtusely - just thrown out there, to anybody who happens to be listening. Except they anybody always seems to be me. And the comments get more and more pointed, more needling, more personal. Until I crack.

I don't know what else is supposed to happen. What are these disparaging remarks actually supposed to achieve? Tonight the net result is that I am sitting in the dark, in the cold night air, and I will not be well enough to see my child. Nothing good can come of this approach. Nothing good ever does.

I am tired. I am cold. I am lost. I am lonely. I am confused. And once again, for the first time in what feels like weeks, I must admit - I begin to despair.

I despair of ever being understood. I despair of ever being truly respected a, supported and appreciated. I despair of ever being stable, Nd reliably happy. I despair of ever truly knowing the meaning of self worth, and trust.