Oops

I had another massive regress over the weekend, which of course leads to massive regrets. Add that to the leftover rib from last week that I just ate as a pre dinner snack and it all adds up to pretty uncomfortable. Not nearly as uncomfortable as I was on Saturday night and again on Sunday evening. What the hell happened? And whatever it was, it was definitely HELL.

Yuk. Again and again and again and again I say never ever again. I never want to feel like that again. And again and again and again and again, when the moment comes, when the tension gets too great, my brain just snaps. Then I cry and I scream and I rage and I drink and I smoke and I slam things and I curl in a shaking ball in a small dark place and I wish the earth would swallow me up.

Any progress? Maybe microscopic micro shuffles. I actually didn't voice the thoughts in my head about leaving my partner. I didn't (apart from drinking and smoking) self harm. I stayed at home - even if I did go and hide in the car .... Still hopeless, still miles to go, still 36 hours of hell. I so don't want to do that stuff anymore. I am so unsure of what it is I need to do to prevent it. I'm so frightened that one day the whole ugly scene will just chew me up and spit me out as something no longer recognisably human, and finally completely beyond repair.

But still I hope. And still we strive to find one another again. And still we scoop the shreds of our love back together again, and yet again. We want, we hope, we try, we cling. We love, we truly do love. Will it ever be enough?

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