Mindfulness

So, what do I know about mindfulness? Almost nothing, I believe - so I will be starting from pretty much ground zero with this one. I suspect it's going to take considerably more than one blog posting for me to get my head around this! Let's start with some kind of definition, perhaps:

Mindfulness (from a psychological standpoint) involves 'bringing one's complete attention to the present experience on a moment to moment basis.

And that's just the beginning really. There's a lot of work required around the ideas of self regulated attention, conscious awareness, metacognitive skills. It's about, in part at least - maintaining open and curious attitudes, and thinking in alternative categories.

Just at this time of night, after a really full and busy day, I'm not sure how up to this concept I really am - but I thought that I would at least give it a bit of a beginners peek, and a baby step. In visiting mindfulness.org.au I learn that 'mindfulness meditation is becoming widely popular as and adjunct to conventional medical and psychological therapies'. OK, that's good. Where do I begin? How do I begin?

I am reading a quick introduction that explains that mindfulness is about being present in the moment, and about being a quiet and non judgemental observer of ones own thought patterns. It talks about watching the stream of consciousness rather than 'swimming in it'. One of the most interesting bits of the introductory statements, to me, is the explanation that mindfulness can then therefore give us information about the state of the mind. Mindfulness can be a 'how are you going' check in, of your own mental state.

I think it's all too much for me tonight. I try to watch and listen to my own thoughts and all I see and hear right now is sheer exhaustion. This is going to have to wait. Mindfulness, for me, will have to be a work in progress. I suspect that it needs to be, all of the time, anyway.

I will need to do a lot more exploration of and research on the topic before I have anything of any substance to really write about it here.

Ouch. More homework!

 

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(Another) New Beginning

So - I don't actually really know where to start, and in fact, I guess I'm not really just starting.  I do have a DBT (Dialectal Behaviour Therapy) book somewhere - that guides through skills and exercises, but to be honest - I think I'm currently at a point in my life where I need everything to be pretty portable.  So, in the interest of not having to remember to pack a certain book or set of notes, I'm going to try to move pretty much all of my 'self work' online, in some form or another, so I can access it wherever I am, whenever a find a suitable or desirable moment.

I'm currently looking at a DBT Self Help Site and at a list of skills.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_skills_list.html

I think I've probably outlined the DBT Skills before, then proceeded to ignore them - but either way, here they are again - because I think I need to pay them more attention:

1. Mindfulness
2. Distress Tolerance
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

I think it would be a very good thing for me to explore each of these concepts in more detail, and to use that as perhaps a theme, for my future postings in here.  

And whether or not I stick to THAT theme, I think the point is, I need to turn a positive spin on this blog - it was turning very negative and that's not going to help me, or anyone else.

So - over the next little while (or at least, this is my current intention) you are going to hear from me about the "good stuff" .... the stuff that makes me feel positive and happy, and anchors me in the this world - and about mindfulness (the wise mind).

I'm promising myself, as much as, or probably much more than I am promising you.  

Deal or no deal?

So, what happened to my 'project'

I began this blog as a way of tracking my progress, or lack of it, through a dark journey of fear, exhaustion, depression, diagnosis and improvement.  Looking back on where I was some months ago, I think I actually have made some steps.  Some of those steps kind of meant that I moved away from commitment to this writing space as my needs changed and grew.  Then I think something kind of bad happened.

I did start a new blog.  A happy blog.  A 'normal person' blog.  Then I kept blogging in here and began to think of them as the "innie" and the "outtie".  So, I would put my "happy thoughts for the day" on the other blog and my "dark thoughts for the day" in here.  Not good, I suspect.  What it's kind of meant is that this has become a place for me to come and have a whine.  So instead of tracking and supporting my progress, I think perhaps instead it's actually begun to track my LACK of progress, and to actually hold me back - by giving me a space to come back to all that insecurity and nastiness.

So - today is a new day.  Again and as always.  And I've realised that I either need to relinquish this space altogether, or to use it for better means.  I keep a diary as well, a personal journal - in which I put things that I think serve no purpose or interest for anyone but me.  But this was supposed to be a space of growth, of creativity, of improvement.  It was supposed to be a safe space, where it was OK to make it known that I was, and had been, quite unwell .... but it was still supposed to be GOOD and HELPFUL.  Whining and complaining are not really that good and helpful, so I think it's probably time for me to stop.

What I would like to track in here then, is my continued personal journey to wellness, and the things that I find helpful along the way.  I'm not ready to give up this safe and kind of private/public space, as you can see - but it's not like my other blog, where I'm out there with my "public" face on, saying the happy stuff that you say when you have visitors, kind of thing.  I realise there is a bit of a dichotomy here - but I also think that most people do have an inner and an outer way of communicating with the world.  This is more my inner circle kind of writings, and yes, for the foreseeable future, I plan to hide behind relative anonymity.  I don't think it really matters who I am for the purposes of this discussion.  Just a person on a journey.

What step will I take in my journey today?  Well, I've let the housework slip a bit again, and I read a lovely post somewhere last night addressing the "just do it" concept, and I realised I do really need to apply that to housework.  I don't like doing it.  So what?  I like the outcome.  So, as an act of love towards myself, and my family, I should just do it.  What a very strange concept for me.  How very foreign to my eyes and ears:

Housework is a step towards happiness.

Loving my home is an outward expression of loving myself and my family.

Just do it!

Sorry Nike.  It's not yours - it belongs to everyone.  We too, can claim the concept 'just do it'.

What else can I do for me and mine today?  I'm going to a counselling session this morning.  I haven't done my homework, nor can I remember what it was or where I put it - but I guess if I do some housework it might just turn up!  I have come to like my counselling sessions.  I think I especially like the ones my partner and I go to together.  At the time, when we are there, it doesn't really feel like we are making progress - but afterwards, in subtle ways, I think things really do shift.

I've noticed that something that really helps when I have gone to the brink is forwards commitments that I have.  If I feel like killing myself, but I have promised to pick a friend up from hospital the next day, it is one of the reasons that I don't.  I know in the past - work was that commitment, and by taking work away, I put myself in a very unsafe space in one sense - but on another level, I so desperately needed that break!  But I think that having POSITIVE and FUN forward commitments might be a really good thing (yes, we have some, but there's always room for more!).  I also know that in the past, having the prospect of visitors always helped me to be more enthusiastic about keeping house - so perhaps I should toy with the idea of inviting people over more often.

So - my three 'just do it' notes for myself, for today are:

1. do the housework - make a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming space
2. go to counselling (and do your homework!)
3. get involved more in positive and fun social activities (ones that involve committing ahead of time) both inside and outside of home

I think that's enough to decide to start aiming for, just for one day.

I guess there's no better time than the present to get started - so I'm off to do a bit of housework before going to my counselling session and then heading out to dinner with some friends!

Bloody hell it just goes on & on

It's just so hard to get decent communication happening.  I know that's pathetic, and totally hopeless, but that's how it feels.  Last night I spent half an hour waiting on a cold stainless steel bench on a traffic island in the middle of about 10 lanes of traffic in the middle of the night, to wait for the arrival of my "rescuer" so I could spend 2 hours in a car, culminated in an argument because he hadn't wanted to come home last night, and had planned to stay in the city.

The irony of that was that there was nothing I had wanted more to do than climb into a warm and quiet train, to wait half an hour in comfort and light, where I could read, and then to peacefully snooze for an hour of the hour and a quarter train journey.  I don't sleep in cars.  I find them jerky and uncomfortable, disconcerting and unpredictable.  They don't have the same peaceful and soothing noises as a train.  Besides, there's a driver, who is driving, and as the passenger, I feel obligated somehow, to repay that debt, with company and attention (to the best of my exhausted ability, at that time of night).

So - it was a lose, lose, and lose some more situation.  All because he wanted to do what was "right for me" (aka what he believed was right for me, with insufficient consultation) and because I don't know how to say "NO, leave me alone, I LIKE being by myself, and I was LOOKING FORWARD TO my train trip, my peace, and my solitude).  Damn, damn, damn.  How fucking hopeless is that?!?!?!?!

I'm so pissed off.  I missed out on my peace, quiet and contemplation.  I so wanted to reflect on the class I had just been to, and to read a couple of blogs I follow, and write in my own, and in my diary.  I was so tired, I was looking forward so much to letting my eyes slip shut as the train clicked and clacked along.  I love that  rhythm.  I was looking forwards to an evening (brief albeit, as it was already late) of solitude and more reflection.  I like the silly adventures of having to find a way home in the middle of the night because I had forgotten to park my car at the station.  And it was all spoiled.  In my efforts to please someone else, who I didn't realise was only trying to please me - I chose what I did not want, and got what I didn't need, and then was berated for ingratitude, to boot.  Damn, damn, damn.  How bloody stupid, and pointless, and what a shitload of wasted energy is THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Un-fucking-believable.

Now we are having similarly stupid, overly tentative, never state your own point of view because it's easier trying to double, triple and quadruple think the other persons point of view instead.  AND OF COURSE that's way more productive than just being bloody well upfront and honest about what YOU/ME/WE actually want.  God, why would you tell someone THAT?

So why do I keep coming back here?

Because the road to recovery is long and rocky I guess.  Today is a well day, a good day, in my terms, this morning at least, I might have even ventured to call it a great day.  But that great day has included a trip to the psychologist, for couples counselling and making arrangements to get updates/extensions to my 'mental health plan', and has included taking my partner (gently) to task about invading my privacy be reading my texts and emails in secret, without my consent.

So - how good is that, really?  Where does that rate on the scale of 'normal' or 'healthy'?  I'm not sure and I guess that's part of the reason I keep revisiting here.  Because there's things I want to talk about, to  write about, that I wouldn't do elsewhere.  This platform carries my thoughts about my hopes for mental (and physical/emotional) wellness, it bears witness to my relapses, big and small ... it's a place for me to put my sadness at my lack of progress, and my delight at my small and faltering steps forwards.

I do take steps forwards, I'm pretty sure.  They are small, and it's hard to tell.  I feel more like an ant than a man on the moon.  I don't even get that excited, they are such minuscule little movements - but I do sense improvement, and I have a wavering, breath held hope that I might eventually move completely beyond this space of uncertainty and lack of confidence, this place of recurring sadness and helplessness, and back out into the light of a "normal and happy" life.  It's been quite a while since I've felt confident that I might even be able to recognise one of those, if it ever does happen to me.

I do want it though.  Perhaps part of the difficulty in attaining this (to me almost fabled) state is my difficulty in envisioning it.  What does happy look like?  What does stable feel like?  How will I know when I get there?  Or is getting there even the aim, really, after all?  Is it simply working towards happiness, and trekking closer to stability, that is really the goal?

One day, perhaps, I will know.  Right now I don't feel like I am any kind of trailblazer.  I am just a quiet and sometimes frightened voice in the wilds of my own emotional jungle.  Somewhere in here with me is my Tarzan.  Together we are hacking through the vines and the undergrowth and on occasions (which seem to be becoming more frequent) together we scale the crazy trees and perch together in the sunlight.  For him I am grateful.  For this partner in my crazy, tiring, scarring and scary journey, I am so thankful.  I truly do not believe I could do this on my own.

Another Day at the Not Always Funny Farm

Ah, well.  Another day has long since dawned.  My eyeballs are already burning!  I didn't get up until almost a quarter to six, and it's not gone quite half eight.  Already I am exhausted.  You know, I think it's the emotional upheaval that causes that.  I think it burns up sooooooo much energy, in a sapping, draining way - not in a good way, like a run or a swim or something.  It's got to stop, it's got to stop.  I say that every time, but I have very limited success in preventing it from just coming around and slapping me again.

Off to counselling today.  Very soon in fact.  Just me today.  My partner and I have a joint appointment on Saturday.  We almost cancelled it - things were so horrible a day or two ago we were staring to say "what's the point"?  But at this stage, I think we will definitely go.  I haven't done my homework.  I don't even know where the blank sheets are that I was supposed to fill in.  Perhaps I'll dig around and see if I can find some online exercises that look similar, or an iPad app or something.  I probably should make some sort of an effort!

I know caffeine is not a very good solution to feeling tired (not in the long term anyway) - but I think I'm going to need another cup of coffee ..... soonish.

Dazed and Confused

It's half past seven in the evening and I am exhausted. Some days my entire life feels like an emotional roller coaster that has more downs than ups. Is that possible? My partner and my daughter - well, maybe it would not be accurate to say 'they are not getting on', but let's just say, he didn't appreciate her calling home a "f*ck*ng c^£t" and she feels that he provoked him into it, and therefore, it's not quite as big a deal as he is making out.

Where does that leave me? The meat in the sandwich, of course. Now she seems to be avoiding him, and says she wants to move out anyway. To make it all worse - I got to bear the full frontal force of all of his anger after the fact, as she stormed off as soon as she had said it. And all of this happened on Saturday night. It's Wednesday now, and I'm still a mess. I've been through the entire mill of curled in a ball crying-screaming snarling anger-drinking, smoking, shutting down-blame and hatred, wanting it to be over-looking for a new place to live ... you name it.

No wonder I am exhausted, I suppose.

And right now, almost ridiculously, I am sitting waiting for Indian take always and waiting for my partner to get home from work. My life some days seems like a sad, sick, twisted joke. And I can't figure out the punch line.

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And SMASH, CRACK, back full circle I go

Just when I think things are really looking up, they seem to take their darkest dives for the worst. Now I am back on that brink - except that I think I've stepped over it, to the other side. To the other side of pain, where hearts and minds are closed to possibilities, both good and bad. Back to that place which is 'Past Caring'.

The song running through my head right now is I Hope I Never, by Split Enz:




I fall apart when you’re around

When you’re here, I’m nowhere

I can’t pretend that I’m not down

I show it, I know it

I’ve been a fool

More than once, more than twice

I’m gonna move to a new town

Where the people are nice

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I still want to beam and smile

Happiness is back in style

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

It should be possible I know

To see you without stress

But I can see I’ll have to go

I’m changing my address

My urge to cry

I have failed to conceal

Life, it’s no fun when your hunted

By the things that you feel

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I’m for living while you can

I’m an optimistic man

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

I hope I never

I hope I never

I hope I never

Never, never, never

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

 

And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my partner right now. In fact, I believe I may have stopped thinking of him as my partner. It's horrible. I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling like I hate someone. I want so much to love. I felt like I had so much love to give, but now I just feel broken, all over again.

What brings these things, these feelings, these incidents, these gloom and doom filled days on - not much - well - it doesn't take much, is I guess what I mean, and ironically, to me it seems like the happier we are, the more likely it is to happen. I've had this horribly, slowly dawning realisation that my partner is nice to me provided it looks like there's about a 7/10 chance that I will leave him. No wait, make that 9/10, if it's 7/10 or higher, he puts the pressure right on to push it to the brink, then he challenges me: "what do you want? Do you wAnt it to be over" - over and over again until he gets me to say that I do, I do want it to be over. The. He is instantly regretful, sorrowful, penitent, and wants to fix it, wants to patch it up, wants to try again.

And then it's good for a while, while it hangs in the balance, but we are in that space of 'trying'. And it stays good for a little while, while we settle back into our routines and feel good about each other and try to rebuild a little bit of a base. But here's the thing, it seems to me that once he starts to feel safe in my commitment, he starts to be niggling, and horrible again, bit by bit sometimes, and other times, all of a rush.

I really struggle with this, but I really feel like I've started to identify a pattern. If he thinks I'm committed, and fairly certain to stay, he starts to pick on me, or those around me. When he's either frightened, or fairly certain that I've made up my mind to move out, and/or end it, he starts being nice, and loving, and conciliatory. What am I to do with that realisation?

I spent yesterday in a fog of physical, mental and emotional pain. This morning I spent the whole morning squabbling back and forwards with him by text and phone call. What a monumental waste of two lives. I can't continue to live standing accused of being the death knell of his relationship with his daughter, of being biased against him and towards the entire rest of the world, of imagining - oh so many things ....of having no compassion....

 

I..just..can't..stand..it..any..more

 

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Preparations

So, I'm going to go back to work full time. I just could no longer stand watching another, and yet another mortgage repayment (on my house) be repaid by my partner. I'm tired of not being able to fully contribute, and I gave up hope that my mortgage insurance would come through.

I made that decision a month or so ago and have tendered my resignations at both my part time, and my casual/contract jobs, which combined, were just not paying the bills. I have a start date back at my full time professional job, in the city - at the end of this month. I made the decision with dragging feet and a heavy heart - but I believe it is the only realistic choice for me to make right now.

Ironically, yesterday my mortgage insurance company called me to say that they have accepted my claim and have made a quite large back payment into my mortgage account. So it goes!

My partner and I struggle along, trying hard to love one another in the middle of the muddle. I do so,so want this relationship to succeed. It's proving to be one of my most difficult challenges yet! I don't know if it's him, or me, or my 'illness' - but we slide down some horribly slippery slopes and fine ourselves in some fairly awful places. Yet we persist. We attend counselling (probably not often enough) and we try again.

We are like the little girl with the curl. When we are good, we are very, very good ....

We love similar music and love to explore that together. We enjoy similar foods and both lean towards plant dominated, though omnivorous choices much of the time. We love to laugh together, over simple things, we like to watch movies together ...

Why do things get as bad as they do? We both struggle with that. We both drag our bags of stones, from past hurts, and we both struggle, I think, to filter what is real and now from what is past, but has scarred.

Fingers crossed: we will make it. Fingers crossed: work won't kill me.

I'm off to the shops to pick up some basics to refresh my 'corporate' wardrobe.

 

 

 

 

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Ch-ch-ch-changes ....

I think I will be blogging here less.  That is, less than the less that I was already blogging here!  That is because I think I have definitely taken some serious, if wavering - steps toward recovery.  I feel a change.  I don't know if others see a change, but for me it is very much there.  Counselling sessions are different, recovery times are shorter, fights are less extreme.  I drink less, I smoke much less.

These things are good!  So - with the new turns come new places to write.  I've started a journal at home, which will be personal, and I've started a new blog.  Completely different take on things - just the blog of a normal, enthusiastic, alive and engaged person.  I didn't want to go round that corner and stay here.  It didn't feel right.

For a time I suppose I will return here, and make some comments/postings - but I'm not sure how long for.  Everything has it's season, and this blog was a good vehicle for me to record and ponder over some stuff I had going on (not all of which is dealt with yet), but it was not something which I wished, for the most part, to share with personal friends and acquaintances, and in the end, that has started to feel weird.  I want to participate more.  I want to have my say, out loud.  Not whispering and whimpering in the dark and cold, locked out of everyday interactions.

So, it's not goodbye completely, just yet - but it's quite possibly a wind down, or at least a change ....

Perhaps I will need to come back here sometime, or from time to time.  I guess that's part of facing reality, and facing reality seems to be the only likely way to deal with it!

An 'Easy Tea'

I read a short story many years ago that sprang to mind yesterday. I think it might have been one of the stories in the book: 'Men, love, sex'. Good book. Was on a friends bookshelf and provided good late night reading while I babysat. The story I was thinking of yesterday was set on a bus, somewhere in the Northern Territory. One of the characters was a fat lady who was fond of preparing 'easy teas'. Yesterday I thought of that phrase.

An easy tea. A dinner that is fast, fuss free, easy to wash up after - yet will feed the family adequately, and leave all partakers feeling fed, at least in body. We had an easy tea last night, and not for the first time, my partner attested that we should do that more often. Truly, I think in a way akin to the kids when they were younger, the less effort that goes into a meal, the more likely he is to enjoy it.

Last nights easy tea was a chicken salad, made with a still warm BBQ chook from down the street - picked up on our way home. Leaves, dressing, bits and ends. Simple, fast, tasty and satisfying. And lots of scraps for the dog. Yes, he and the fat lady are right.

There's a lot to be said for an easy tea!

 

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Total Bummer

I just learned the hard way that pressing the + button in Blogsy (on the iPad) starts a new post. Great - but if you are working on an unposted one ... It is GONSKI.

NOT telling that whole story again today *sigh*.

So it goes!

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