Imagery

"Imagine things going well for you. Imagine that you know how to take care of the situation you are in. If you practice doing this, you will find that it begins to work for you. Things DO go better, and you CAN cope better. You can deal better with the crises in your life, if you practice feeling like you can take care of things."

That's from a DBT Self Help Site which seems to have some pretty useful information. I'm not finding that much time to dip into it though, what with work and commuting and kids and all. Still, it seems good to keep tucking things away here as reminders to myself.

Tiredness has just come crashing in for the night, so I think I need to call it a day. I just wanted to do a quick check in, really. It's enough for today.

 

 

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DBT Skills

1. Mindfulness
2. Distress Tolerance
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

Well. I didn't get that far (yet) with my explorations into mindfulness, but I was just thinking last night - perhaps the two biggies for me are actually distress tolerance and emotional regulation.

Maybe I'm just trying to squirm out of figuring my way through mindfulness. I don't know. Just in the past few weeks, I hadn't really felt that gripped by getting really into exploring mindfulness. Mind you, in the past three weeks I've had two really bad weekends with my partner, so perhaps mindfulness might have helped prevented that, had I been exercising it.

Anyway. Let's get back to distress tolerance. Distress tolerance is identified as a DBT crises coping skill. It seems that distress tolerance can be enhanced in a number of ways: distraction, self soothing, improving the moment, thinking of pros and cons.

I guess it would be a really good thing for me to read up on these strategies, and to somehow, maybe with the help of my partner, come up with some kind of an 'emotional crises first aid kit' - something we could dip into in an "emergency". A strategy, or set of options that we could reach for in times of need.

To me right now, the best two of those distraction strategies (the ones that sound like they might work the best for me) seem to be self soothing and improving the moment. So I think that over my next few posts here, I might aim to delve into those two aspects of utilising distraction as a way to deal with times of emotional crisis.

 

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Oops

I had another massive regress over the weekend, which of course leads to massive regrets. Add that to the leftover rib from last week that I just ate as a pre dinner snack and it all adds up to pretty uncomfortable. Not nearly as uncomfortable as I was on Saturday night and again on Sunday evening. What the hell happened? And whatever it was, it was definitely HELL.

Yuk. Again and again and again and again I say never ever again. I never want to feel like that again. And again and again and again and again, when the moment comes, when the tension gets too great, my brain just snaps. Then I cry and I scream and I rage and I drink and I smoke and I slam things and I curl in a shaking ball in a small dark place and I wish the earth would swallow me up.

Any progress? Maybe microscopic micro shuffles. I actually didn't voice the thoughts in my head about leaving my partner. I didn't (apart from drinking and smoking) self harm. I stayed at home - even if I did go and hide in the car .... Still hopeless, still miles to go, still 36 hours of hell. I so don't want to do that stuff anymore. I am so unsure of what it is I need to do to prevent it. I'm so frightened that one day the whole ugly scene will just chew me up and spit me out as something no longer recognisably human, and finally completely beyond repair.

But still I hope. And still we strive to find one another again. And still we scoop the shreds of our love back together again, and yet again. We want, we hope, we try, we cling. We love, we truly do love. Will it ever be enough?

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Mindfulness

So, what do I know about mindfulness? Almost nothing, I believe - so I will be starting from pretty much ground zero with this one. I suspect it's going to take considerably more than one blog posting for me to get my head around this! Let's start with some kind of definition, perhaps:

Mindfulness (from a psychological standpoint) involves 'bringing one's complete attention to the present experience on a moment to moment basis.

And that's just the beginning really. There's a lot of work required around the ideas of self regulated attention, conscious awareness, metacognitive skills. It's about, in part at least - maintaining open and curious attitudes, and thinking in alternative categories.

Just at this time of night, after a really full and busy day, I'm not sure how up to this concept I really am - but I thought that I would at least give it a bit of a beginners peek, and a baby step. In visiting mindfulness.org.au I learn that 'mindfulness meditation is becoming widely popular as and adjunct to conventional medical and psychological therapies'. OK, that's good. Where do I begin? How do I begin?

I am reading a quick introduction that explains that mindfulness is about being present in the moment, and about being a quiet and non judgemental observer of ones own thought patterns. It talks about watching the stream of consciousness rather than 'swimming in it'. One of the most interesting bits of the introductory statements, to me, is the explanation that mindfulness can then therefore give us information about the state of the mind. Mindfulness can be a 'how are you going' check in, of your own mental state.

I think it's all too much for me tonight. I try to watch and listen to my own thoughts and all I see and hear right now is sheer exhaustion. This is going to have to wait. Mindfulness, for me, will have to be a work in progress. I suspect that it needs to be, all of the time, anyway.

I will need to do a lot more exploration of and research on the topic before I have anything of any substance to really write about it here.

Ouch. More homework!

 

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(Another) New Beginning

So - I don't actually really know where to start, and in fact, I guess I'm not really just starting.  I do have a DBT (Dialectal Behaviour Therapy) book somewhere - that guides through skills and exercises, but to be honest - I think I'm currently at a point in my life where I need everything to be pretty portable.  So, in the interest of not having to remember to pack a certain book or set of notes, I'm going to try to move pretty much all of my 'self work' online, in some form or another, so I can access it wherever I am, whenever a find a suitable or desirable moment.

I'm currently looking at a DBT Self Help Site and at a list of skills.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_skills_list.html

I think I've probably outlined the DBT Skills before, then proceeded to ignore them - but either way, here they are again - because I think I need to pay them more attention:

1. Mindfulness
2. Distress Tolerance
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

I think it would be a very good thing for me to explore each of these concepts in more detail, and to use that as perhaps a theme, for my future postings in here.  

And whether or not I stick to THAT theme, I think the point is, I need to turn a positive spin on this blog - it was turning very negative and that's not going to help me, or anyone else.

So - over the next little while (or at least, this is my current intention) you are going to hear from me about the "good stuff" .... the stuff that makes me feel positive and happy, and anchors me in the this world - and about mindfulness (the wise mind).

I'm promising myself, as much as, or probably much more than I am promising you.  

Deal or no deal?

So, what happened to my 'project'

I began this blog as a way of tracking my progress, or lack of it, through a dark journey of fear, exhaustion, depression, diagnosis and improvement.  Looking back on where I was some months ago, I think I actually have made some steps.  Some of those steps kind of meant that I moved away from commitment to this writing space as my needs changed and grew.  Then I think something kind of bad happened.

I did start a new blog.  A happy blog.  A 'normal person' blog.  Then I kept blogging in here and began to think of them as the "innie" and the "outtie".  So, I would put my "happy thoughts for the day" on the other blog and my "dark thoughts for the day" in here.  Not good, I suspect.  What it's kind of meant is that this has become a place for me to come and have a whine.  So instead of tracking and supporting my progress, I think perhaps instead it's actually begun to track my LACK of progress, and to actually hold me back - by giving me a space to come back to all that insecurity and nastiness.

So - today is a new day.  Again and as always.  And I've realised that I either need to relinquish this space altogether, or to use it for better means.  I keep a diary as well, a personal journal - in which I put things that I think serve no purpose or interest for anyone but me.  But this was supposed to be a space of growth, of creativity, of improvement.  It was supposed to be a safe space, where it was OK to make it known that I was, and had been, quite unwell .... but it was still supposed to be GOOD and HELPFUL.  Whining and complaining are not really that good and helpful, so I think it's probably time for me to stop.

What I would like to track in here then, is my continued personal journey to wellness, and the things that I find helpful along the way.  I'm not ready to give up this safe and kind of private/public space, as you can see - but it's not like my other blog, where I'm out there with my "public" face on, saying the happy stuff that you say when you have visitors, kind of thing.  I realise there is a bit of a dichotomy here - but I also think that most people do have an inner and an outer way of communicating with the world.  This is more my inner circle kind of writings, and yes, for the foreseeable future, I plan to hide behind relative anonymity.  I don't think it really matters who I am for the purposes of this discussion.  Just a person on a journey.

What step will I take in my journey today?  Well, I've let the housework slip a bit again, and I read a lovely post somewhere last night addressing the "just do it" concept, and I realised I do really need to apply that to housework.  I don't like doing it.  So what?  I like the outcome.  So, as an act of love towards myself, and my family, I should just do it.  What a very strange concept for me.  How very foreign to my eyes and ears:

Housework is a step towards happiness.

Loving my home is an outward expression of loving myself and my family.

Just do it!

Sorry Nike.  It's not yours - it belongs to everyone.  We too, can claim the concept 'just do it'.

What else can I do for me and mine today?  I'm going to a counselling session this morning.  I haven't done my homework, nor can I remember what it was or where I put it - but I guess if I do some housework it might just turn up!  I have come to like my counselling sessions.  I think I especially like the ones my partner and I go to together.  At the time, when we are there, it doesn't really feel like we are making progress - but afterwards, in subtle ways, I think things really do shift.

I've noticed that something that really helps when I have gone to the brink is forwards commitments that I have.  If I feel like killing myself, but I have promised to pick a friend up from hospital the next day, it is one of the reasons that I don't.  I know in the past - work was that commitment, and by taking work away, I put myself in a very unsafe space in one sense - but on another level, I so desperately needed that break!  But I think that having POSITIVE and FUN forward commitments might be a really good thing (yes, we have some, but there's always room for more!).  I also know that in the past, having the prospect of visitors always helped me to be more enthusiastic about keeping house - so perhaps I should toy with the idea of inviting people over more often.

So - my three 'just do it' notes for myself, for today are:

1. do the housework - make a beautiful, comfortable and welcoming space
2. go to counselling (and do your homework!)
3. get involved more in positive and fun social activities (ones that involve committing ahead of time) both inside and outside of home

I think that's enough to decide to start aiming for, just for one day.

I guess there's no better time than the present to get started - so I'm off to do a bit of housework before going to my counselling session and then heading out to dinner with some friends!

Bloody hell it just goes on & on

It's just so hard to get decent communication happening.  I know that's pathetic, and totally hopeless, but that's how it feels.  Last night I spent half an hour waiting on a cold stainless steel bench on a traffic island in the middle of about 10 lanes of traffic in the middle of the night, to wait for the arrival of my "rescuer" so I could spend 2 hours in a car, culminated in an argument because he hadn't wanted to come home last night, and had planned to stay in the city.

The irony of that was that there was nothing I had wanted more to do than climb into a warm and quiet train, to wait half an hour in comfort and light, where I could read, and then to peacefully snooze for an hour of the hour and a quarter train journey.  I don't sleep in cars.  I find them jerky and uncomfortable, disconcerting and unpredictable.  They don't have the same peaceful and soothing noises as a train.  Besides, there's a driver, who is driving, and as the passenger, I feel obligated somehow, to repay that debt, with company and attention (to the best of my exhausted ability, at that time of night).

So - it was a lose, lose, and lose some more situation.  All because he wanted to do what was "right for me" (aka what he believed was right for me, with insufficient consultation) and because I don't know how to say "NO, leave me alone, I LIKE being by myself, and I was LOOKING FORWARD TO my train trip, my peace, and my solitude).  Damn, damn, damn.  How fucking hopeless is that?!?!?!?!

I'm so pissed off.  I missed out on my peace, quiet and contemplation.  I so wanted to reflect on the class I had just been to, and to read a couple of blogs I follow, and write in my own, and in my diary.  I was so tired, I was looking forward so much to letting my eyes slip shut as the train clicked and clacked along.  I love that  rhythm.  I was looking forwards to an evening (brief albeit, as it was already late) of solitude and more reflection.  I like the silly adventures of having to find a way home in the middle of the night because I had forgotten to park my car at the station.  And it was all spoiled.  In my efforts to please someone else, who I didn't realise was only trying to please me - I chose what I did not want, and got what I didn't need, and then was berated for ingratitude, to boot.  Damn, damn, damn.  How bloody stupid, and pointless, and what a shitload of wasted energy is THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Un-fucking-believable.

Now we are having similarly stupid, overly tentative, never state your own point of view because it's easier trying to double, triple and quadruple think the other persons point of view instead.  AND OF COURSE that's way more productive than just being bloody well upfront and honest about what YOU/ME/WE actually want.  God, why would you tell someone THAT?