And SMASH, CRACK, back full circle I go

Just when I think things are really looking up, they seem to take their darkest dives for the worst. Now I am back on that brink - except that I think I've stepped over it, to the other side. To the other side of pain, where hearts and minds are closed to possibilities, both good and bad. Back to that place which is 'Past Caring'.

The song running through my head right now is I Hope I Never, by Split Enz:




I fall apart when you’re around

When you’re here, I’m nowhere

I can’t pretend that I’m not down

I show it, I know it

I’ve been a fool

More than once, more than twice

I’m gonna move to a new town

Where the people are nice

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I still want to beam and smile

Happiness is back in style

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

It should be possible I know

To see you without stress

But I can see I’ll have to go

I’m changing my address

My urge to cry

I have failed to conceal

Life, it’s no fun when your hunted

By the things that you feel

I hope I never

I hope I never have to cry again

I hope I never

I hope I never have to sigh again

I’m for living while you can

I’m an optimistic man

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

Again

I hope I never

I hope I never

I hope I never

Never, never, never

I hope I never

I hope I never have to see you again

 

And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my partner right now. In fact, I believe I may have stopped thinking of him as my partner. It's horrible. I hate the way I feel. I hate feeling like I hate someone. I want so much to love. I felt like I had so much love to give, but now I just feel broken, all over again.

What brings these things, these feelings, these incidents, these gloom and doom filled days on - not much - well - it doesn't take much, is I guess what I mean, and ironically, to me it seems like the happier we are, the more likely it is to happen. I've had this horribly, slowly dawning realisation that my partner is nice to me provided it looks like there's about a 7/10 chance that I will leave him. No wait, make that 9/10, if it's 7/10 or higher, he puts the pressure right on to push it to the brink, then he challenges me: "what do you want? Do you wAnt it to be over" - over and over again until he gets me to say that I do, I do want it to be over. The. He is instantly regretful, sorrowful, penitent, and wants to fix it, wants to patch it up, wants to try again.

And then it's good for a while, while it hangs in the balance, but we are in that space of 'trying'. And it stays good for a little while, while we settle back into our routines and feel good about each other and try to rebuild a little bit of a base. But here's the thing, it seems to me that once he starts to feel safe in my commitment, he starts to be niggling, and horrible again, bit by bit sometimes, and other times, all of a rush.

I really struggle with this, but I really feel like I've started to identify a pattern. If he thinks I'm committed, and fairly certain to stay, he starts to pick on me, or those around me. When he's either frightened, or fairly certain that I've made up my mind to move out, and/or end it, he starts being nice, and loving, and conciliatory. What am I to do with that realisation?

I spent yesterday in a fog of physical, mental and emotional pain. This morning I spent the whole morning squabbling back and forwards with him by text and phone call. What a monumental waste of two lives. I can't continue to live standing accused of being the death knell of his relationship with his daughter, of being biased against him and towards the entire rest of the world, of imagining - oh so many things ....of having no compassion....

 

I..just..can't..stand..it..any..more

 

Posted with Blogsy

Preparations

So, I'm going to go back to work full time. I just could no longer stand watching another, and yet another mortgage repayment (on my house) be repaid by my partner. I'm tired of not being able to fully contribute, and I gave up hope that my mortgage insurance would come through.

I made that decision a month or so ago and have tendered my resignations at both my part time, and my casual/contract jobs, which combined, were just not paying the bills. I have a start date back at my full time professional job, in the city - at the end of this month. I made the decision with dragging feet and a heavy heart - but I believe it is the only realistic choice for me to make right now.

Ironically, yesterday my mortgage insurance company called me to say that they have accepted my claim and have made a quite large back payment into my mortgage account. So it goes!

My partner and I struggle along, trying hard to love one another in the middle of the muddle. I do so,so want this relationship to succeed. It's proving to be one of my most difficult challenges yet! I don't know if it's him, or me, or my 'illness' - but we slide down some horribly slippery slopes and fine ourselves in some fairly awful places. Yet we persist. We attend counselling (probably not often enough) and we try again.

We are like the little girl with the curl. When we are good, we are very, very good ....

We love similar music and love to explore that together. We enjoy similar foods and both lean towards plant dominated, though omnivorous choices much of the time. We love to laugh together, over simple things, we like to watch movies together ...

Why do things get as bad as they do? We both struggle with that. We both drag our bags of stones, from past hurts, and we both struggle, I think, to filter what is real and now from what is past, but has scarred.

Fingers crossed: we will make it. Fingers crossed: work won't kill me.

I'm off to the shops to pick up some basics to refresh my 'corporate' wardrobe.

 

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Ch-ch-ch-changes ....

I think I will be blogging here less.  That is, less than the less that I was already blogging here!  That is because I think I have definitely taken some serious, if wavering - steps toward recovery.  I feel a change.  I don't know if others see a change, but for me it is very much there.  Counselling sessions are different, recovery times are shorter, fights are less extreme.  I drink less, I smoke much less.

These things are good!  So - with the new turns come new places to write.  I've started a journal at home, which will be personal, and I've started a new blog.  Completely different take on things - just the blog of a normal, enthusiastic, alive and engaged person.  I didn't want to go round that corner and stay here.  It didn't feel right.

For a time I suppose I will return here, and make some comments/postings - but I'm not sure how long for.  Everything has it's season, and this blog was a good vehicle for me to record and ponder over some stuff I had going on (not all of which is dealt with yet), but it was not something which I wished, for the most part, to share with personal friends and acquaintances, and in the end, that has started to feel weird.  I want to participate more.  I want to have my say, out loud.  Not whispering and whimpering in the dark and cold, locked out of everyday interactions.

So, it's not goodbye completely, just yet - but it's quite possibly a wind down, or at least a change ....

Perhaps I will need to come back here sometime, or from time to time.  I guess that's part of facing reality, and facing reality seems to be the only likely way to deal with it!

An 'Easy Tea'

I read a short story many years ago that sprang to mind yesterday. I think it might have been one of the stories in the book: 'Men, love, sex'. Good book. Was on a friends bookshelf and provided good late night reading while I babysat. The story I was thinking of yesterday was set on a bus, somewhere in the Northern Territory. One of the characters was a fat lady who was fond of preparing 'easy teas'. Yesterday I thought of that phrase.

An easy tea. A dinner that is fast, fuss free, easy to wash up after - yet will feed the family adequately, and leave all partakers feeling fed, at least in body. We had an easy tea last night, and not for the first time, my partner attested that we should do that more often. Truly, I think in a way akin to the kids when they were younger, the less effort that goes into a meal, the more likely he is to enjoy it.

Last nights easy tea was a chicken salad, made with a still warm BBQ chook from down the street - picked up on our way home. Leaves, dressing, bits and ends. Simple, fast, tasty and satisfying. And lots of scraps for the dog. Yes, he and the fat lady are right.

There's a lot to be said for an easy tea!

 

Posted with Blogsy

Total Bummer

I just learned the hard way that pressing the + button in Blogsy (on the iPad) starts a new post. Great - but if you are working on an unposted one ... It is GONSKI.

NOT telling that whole story again today *sigh*.

So it goes!

Posted with Blogsy

Experimenting

Well, another loooong gap between postings. I'm never sure if that means I've been good, or not. I've realised that's one of the complications of setting up a blog to chronicle a hoped for recovery process .... Posting a lot could mean that there is lots of progress, or possibly, that things are very bad. So, in this case, perhaps it's just mostly: neither of the above.

So, what's changed? I got an iPad - and have now found a blogging platform I want to play with. What has stayed the same? I still crumble into a heap at what other people would consider to be insignificant triggers.

When was the last time I made a lasagne? About a week ago. But it had been quite a while before that.

What else have I been up to? Working, a lot. Not much else at all.

Oh - I do have a 'show' at the moment, it's called The Legend of the Seeker, and I love it!!

The Seeker is just a great escape, with beautiful scenery and it's just the right kind of story for me - drama, magic, horses, love, a quest ....

Other fronts are just muddling along. I truly don't think I've made any progress at all in the past few months. I think I'm just treading water. I guess I should work harder!!

 

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

It's been a while

Perhaps that means things have been good? I think they really have for a little while, and today is minor, on the scale of things. It's just that, inevitably it seems, there's this narkiness that rises to the surface. Although I can see a bit of a pattern to it, I just can't deal with it when it rears its ugly head.

There's just these points. I think they are triggered by things like: me not being 'wifely' enough, by fatigue, or by some other random stressors. At these times, when my partner feels pressured, or when others are not seeming to live up to his standard, or when he feels like he is doing more than his fair share, he just turns bitchy, acidic ... and starts to eat holes in me.

It starts out fairly undirected, fairly generic cplaints and criticisms, directed at the air, obtusely - just thrown out there, to anybody who happens to be listening. Except they anybody always seems to be me. And the comments get more and more pointed, more needling, more personal. Until I crack.

I don't know what else is supposed to happen. What are these disparaging remarks actually supposed to achieve? Tonight the net result is that I am sitting in the dark, in the cold night air, and I will not be well enough to see my child. Nothing good can come of this approach. Nothing good ever does.

I am tired. I am cold. I am lost. I am lonely. I am confused. And once again, for the first time in what feels like weeks, I must admit - I begin to despair.

I despair of ever being understood. I despair of ever being truly respected a, supported and appreciated. I despair of ever being stable, Nd reliably happy. I despair of ever truly knowing the meaning of self worth, and trust.