Oh my gosh. My partner just went back to work today. My doctor gave him two weeks off to spend with me, during that 'crisis' time. Now he is off back into the real world. The big wide world of work - this time, to earn for and support us both. And I am here, in la-la recovery land, on leave without pay ... with a mission of sorting myself out. I barely know where to begin! I'm terrified. Being at home leaves me with the responsibility of running the house, and now that we have one (a bit superfluous under the circumstances, but it's a 6 month contract) tasking the au pair. I'm almost beside myself with the fear that I don't know how to do these things.
As my partner was walking away from the car, towards the station this morning (I dropped him off) ... I could feel myself screaming inside: take me with you! don't leave me here alone! I don't know what to do! I so wanted my work skirt, and stockings, and to be sitting beside him on the train. I guess that is because that would mean things were NORMAL and that I was ALRIGHT. But I guess the reality is, what is normal anyway? And I am really not alright, just at the moment - no matter how determined I am that I will be, in the long run.
So - what now? Where to from here? Well, I have an appointment with a naturopath today. It's been a bit complicated by the fact that last night my ex rang to tell me that my 10 year old has an appointment with his orthodontist this afternoon and while the appointments don't quite clash, getting between the two is going to be tight, and tricky. I also haven't done the homework the naturopath asked me to to. I was supposed to write down everything I ate for the past 3 days. Damn. When I remembered that on Friday, I ate an apple. But apart from that, I haven't done a darn thing about it. I was thinking on the way back from dropping my man off that I can probably just fudge it a bit. My eating habits are pretty consistently LOUSY. I guess I can just make it up, following what is a pretty typical pattern. Not precisely what the doctor ordered, but better than fronting up empty handed? I can't even get going to appointments right! Argh!
Back to the terror of housework. It's been so long since I kept house, really, that I feel like I forget how. I just sit around and look at it and the only things that make any real sense to me are the dishes and the laundry. Making my bed is a most days routine, though I don't always get to it until almost bed time. What else do you do? I used to be a stay at home mum, and I remember it used to take me all day, almost every day - and that I liked it (what was I thinking!). What did I do? How does one 'keep house'? What will I do with the au pair? OMG - I'm trying not to freak out just thinking about it. I can't have anxiety attacks about staying home, surely? There is so much STUFF I'd like to do - but it isn't stuff I'm confident with, or know how to go about with any confidence.
I'd love to rip up the carpet. That bit can't be so hard, but putting in new flooring looks harder. I've watched my partner do it. I don't have the skills with the circular saw and whatnot. I don't think I could get all those measurements right. I hate the carpet, with a passion. I've been struggling to figure out what to do about it for ages. I'd love to paint the walls, especially up in the bedrooms and the rest of upstairs, where it's darker. I'm a lousy painter. I know that from bitter experience. But it's got to be easier than flooring! I want to take down our ugly curtains - but I don't know what to put up in their stead. And the last time I had curtains made up, it was hellishly expensive, and that was years ago. The whole outside of the house needs timber treating .... I've never done that before. I guess I'd better work it out, before the whole thing just dries out and falls apart. And on and on it goes.
I used to love to garden, once upon a time. Here I live in terror of spiders and snakes, and I think I've forgotten what few gardening skills I used to have. Turkeys present a problem here too. The scratch up pretty much everything. If I start planting, I wonder if they will just rip it all out. Skills for living - what are mine? I wonder if I could fill a small notebook page. I'm not sure. I feel like I need a manual something along the lines of: "How to be a person, in 10 easy steps". If anyone knows of one, I'd love to hear about it.
On my good days, I dream about becoming my 'authentic self', but on my scared days - I just hope to be a person, a normal person. A person who can get up in the morning and know what to do, how to do it, and who can find the physical, mental and emotional wherewithal to get on with it, and move at least some small projects to completion. I need a set of instructions starting with: "now that you are out of bed ..." How did I get to here? And how will I find my way - to where? Forwards? Back?
I have some serious work to do! I guess that means I'd better get moving and get on with it (whatever 'it' is, which hopefully, I will figure out).
As my partner was walking away from the car, towards the station this morning (I dropped him off) ... I could feel myself screaming inside: take me with you! don't leave me here alone! I don't know what to do! I so wanted my work skirt, and stockings, and to be sitting beside him on the train. I guess that is because that would mean things were NORMAL and that I was ALRIGHT. But I guess the reality is, what is normal anyway? And I am really not alright, just at the moment - no matter how determined I am that I will be, in the long run.
So - what now? Where to from here? Well, I have an appointment with a naturopath today. It's been a bit complicated by the fact that last night my ex rang to tell me that my 10 year old has an appointment with his orthodontist this afternoon and while the appointments don't quite clash, getting between the two is going to be tight, and tricky. I also haven't done the homework the naturopath asked me to to. I was supposed to write down everything I ate for the past 3 days. Damn. When I remembered that on Friday, I ate an apple. But apart from that, I haven't done a darn thing about it. I was thinking on the way back from dropping my man off that I can probably just fudge it a bit. My eating habits are pretty consistently LOUSY. I guess I can just make it up, following what is a pretty typical pattern. Not precisely what the doctor ordered, but better than fronting up empty handed? I can't even get going to appointments right! Argh!
Back to the terror of housework. It's been so long since I kept house, really, that I feel like I forget how. I just sit around and look at it and the only things that make any real sense to me are the dishes and the laundry. Making my bed is a most days routine, though I don't always get to it until almost bed time. What else do you do? I used to be a stay at home mum, and I remember it used to take me all day, almost every day - and that I liked it (what was I thinking!). What did I do? How does one 'keep house'? What will I do with the au pair? OMG - I'm trying not to freak out just thinking about it. I can't have anxiety attacks about staying home, surely? There is so much STUFF I'd like to do - but it isn't stuff I'm confident with, or know how to go about with any confidence.
I'd love to rip up the carpet. That bit can't be so hard, but putting in new flooring looks harder. I've watched my partner do it. I don't have the skills with the circular saw and whatnot. I don't think I could get all those measurements right. I hate the carpet, with a passion. I've been struggling to figure out what to do about it for ages. I'd love to paint the walls, especially up in the bedrooms and the rest of upstairs, where it's darker. I'm a lousy painter. I know that from bitter experience. But it's got to be easier than flooring! I want to take down our ugly curtains - but I don't know what to put up in their stead. And the last time I had curtains made up, it was hellishly expensive, and that was years ago. The whole outside of the house needs timber treating .... I've never done that before. I guess I'd better work it out, before the whole thing just dries out and falls apart. And on and on it goes.
I used to love to garden, once upon a time. Here I live in terror of spiders and snakes, and I think I've forgotten what few gardening skills I used to have. Turkeys present a problem here too. The scratch up pretty much everything. If I start planting, I wonder if they will just rip it all out. Skills for living - what are mine? I wonder if I could fill a small notebook page. I'm not sure. I feel like I need a manual something along the lines of: "How to be a person, in 10 easy steps". If anyone knows of one, I'd love to hear about it.
On my good days, I dream about becoming my 'authentic self', but on my scared days - I just hope to be a person, a normal person. A person who can get up in the morning and know what to do, how to do it, and who can find the physical, mental and emotional wherewithal to get on with it, and move at least some small projects to completion. I need a set of instructions starting with: "now that you are out of bed ..." How did I get to here? And how will I find my way - to where? Forwards? Back?
I have some serious work to do! I guess that means I'd better get moving and get on with it (whatever 'it' is, which hopefully, I will figure out).
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