I have a headache. Unsurprising considering that I knocked off half a bottle of red (at least), after midnight, then slept sitting up in an armchair downstairs. Some large steps backwards. How did that happen? Yesterday our au pair painted the laundry (light orange) and I painted the toilet (strong burnt orange), I got things done, felt pretty good ... and was thinking it was movement forwards, or at least a bit of stabilisation. We had chicken burgers for dinner (just me, my son & the au pair) and settled down to a quiet evening. I washed up and cleaned the kitchen. It all felt OK.
I did make an error of judgement in deciding to watch a TV episode I downloaded on iTunes last week, that I'd been waiting for an opportunity to watch. The error was that it was already 9:30pm. I thought it was only a 45 minute episode, but I was wrong. When my partner got home a bit after ten (from golf) I was still in front of the TV & my son was standing in the stairwell complaining that he couldn't sleep and he wanted me to turn the TV off. A little while later he slammed his bedroom door, my partner chastised him for his behaviour, then me for my (poor) parenting .... and so the downwards spiral began.
I won't bore you with the details. They don't vary that much from episode to episode, necessarily. Suffice to say I sat downstairs crying to myself and not wanting to be a person & my partner slept in the spare room. I felt criticised and and then abandoned. My partner has (apparently, according to my sobbing son) confiscated the x-box, until my son 'learns some manners', so my son has doubly been punished for my poor judgement, and neglectful parenting.
I saw my psychologist today. She seemed a bit at sea, to be frank. Her best advice was, perhaps it is really time for some anti depressants - definitely if the supplements don't help by the time I see my doctor next, which should be in about 2 weeks. The one thing my psychologist did keep stressing is that is her belief that the most pressing problem I am currently facing (or at least one which may, if alleviated, cause a significant shift) is the negative interactions between my partner and myself. She tells me she believes it is imperative that he and I get some couples counselling, and that he perhaps also does a few sessions by himself. She says not much else will work until this aspect makes some improvement. I suspect she is correct. He has a mental health care plan, from my doctor. I don't think he has done anything about it yet at all.
I finished reading The Buddha and The Borderline today. I felt a bit of grief at coming to the end, it was such a gripping and enjoyable story. It was a difficult book for me to read - in that it gave me all sorts of insights into Borderline Personality Disorder, and many of them are not at all pleasant. However, it is a story that also offers hope, and to some degree, direction - or at least, suggestions of directions. It has made me think that I do definitely need to find a Dialectal Behavioural skills training course - though this is proving difficult. I rang a hospital in the region today, where there is a free skills training course. It turns out I am not in their catchment, and therefore, not eligible. The woman I spoke to was not able to make a suggestion of a group closer to here for me. She suggested I call the local health service. Bummer.
Kiera's book (The Buddha and the Borderline) has also re-awoken a bit of an urge in me to explore a Buddhist practice. I've teetered on that edge a number of times over the years, and never quite gotten there, despite my best intentions. Perhaps the time to re-examine that is soon. Perhaps if anything outside myself was ever likely to be able to help me and support me - Buddhism might be that thing. With the strange twist that in the end, Buddhism is really actually inside yourself - which I think is the whole point, really, of it being a great potential support, for anyone, including for people with BPD.
I bought a book from the Psychologists today too, it's called The Dialectal Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. Short of a training course or support group, and with no better directions from my Psychologist herself, I figured it might be a bit of a path to tread. I also downloaded a Kindle sample of a book called The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation. Yep - that sounds like us to a T - a 'high conflict couple'. The only reason I didn't buy it straight up is I had already just bought (on the Kindle) I Hate you -- Don't Leave me another book on BPD.
I don't know how much the reading helps and how much it throws me into more disorder and despair. I think it does a lot of both, really, and paradoxically, I think maybe that's what needs to happen.
Here's a link to some info on 'The High Conflict Couple':
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=73976.0
At this stage in my life, almost anything is worth a try. If I don't progress away from the hole I am in, I really may as well just give up now. I am not a positive influence on anyone, or anything, in the state I am in at the moment. There's a saying that says: 'the only way is up'. If only that were so! On my walk home today I was thinking this blog should not be called The Lasagne Project so much as it should be titled: The Sinking Ship.
I need to sleep now. I'm thirsty, but I don't even feel like venturing out of my room to get a drink of water. My son is staying at his fathers tonight. Poor child, I'm sure he needs the reprieve. My psychologist was absolutely horrified when I told her about my partner waking him up in the middle of the night to tell him that I was trying to self harm. She said 'No child should have to deal with something like that!'. Tell me about it.
I did make an error of judgement in deciding to watch a TV episode I downloaded on iTunes last week, that I'd been waiting for an opportunity to watch. The error was that it was already 9:30pm. I thought it was only a 45 minute episode, but I was wrong. When my partner got home a bit after ten (from golf) I was still in front of the TV & my son was standing in the stairwell complaining that he couldn't sleep and he wanted me to turn the TV off. A little while later he slammed his bedroom door, my partner chastised him for his behaviour, then me for my (poor) parenting .... and so the downwards spiral began.
I won't bore you with the details. They don't vary that much from episode to episode, necessarily. Suffice to say I sat downstairs crying to myself and not wanting to be a person & my partner slept in the spare room. I felt criticised and and then abandoned. My partner has (apparently, according to my sobbing son) confiscated the x-box, until my son 'learns some manners', so my son has doubly been punished for my poor judgement, and neglectful parenting.
I saw my psychologist today. She seemed a bit at sea, to be frank. Her best advice was, perhaps it is really time for some anti depressants - definitely if the supplements don't help by the time I see my doctor next, which should be in about 2 weeks. The one thing my psychologist did keep stressing is that is her belief that the most pressing problem I am currently facing (or at least one which may, if alleviated, cause a significant shift) is the negative interactions between my partner and myself. She tells me she believes it is imperative that he and I get some couples counselling, and that he perhaps also does a few sessions by himself. She says not much else will work until this aspect makes some improvement. I suspect she is correct. He has a mental health care plan, from my doctor. I don't think he has done anything about it yet at all.
I finished reading The Buddha and The Borderline today. I felt a bit of grief at coming to the end, it was such a gripping and enjoyable story. It was a difficult book for me to read - in that it gave me all sorts of insights into Borderline Personality Disorder, and many of them are not at all pleasant. However, it is a story that also offers hope, and to some degree, direction - or at least, suggestions of directions. It has made me think that I do definitely need to find a Dialectal Behavioural skills training course - though this is proving difficult. I rang a hospital in the region today, where there is a free skills training course. It turns out I am not in their catchment, and therefore, not eligible. The woman I spoke to was not able to make a suggestion of a group closer to here for me. She suggested I call the local health service. Bummer.
Kiera's book (The Buddha and the Borderline) has also re-awoken a bit of an urge in me to explore a Buddhist practice. I've teetered on that edge a number of times over the years, and never quite gotten there, despite my best intentions. Perhaps the time to re-examine that is soon. Perhaps if anything outside myself was ever likely to be able to help me and support me - Buddhism might be that thing. With the strange twist that in the end, Buddhism is really actually inside yourself - which I think is the whole point, really, of it being a great potential support, for anyone, including for people with BPD.
I bought a book from the Psychologists today too, it's called The Dialectal Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. Short of a training course or support group, and with no better directions from my Psychologist herself, I figured it might be a bit of a path to tread. I also downloaded a Kindle sample of a book called The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy and Validation. Yep - that sounds like us to a T - a 'high conflict couple'. The only reason I didn't buy it straight up is I had already just bought (on the Kindle) I Hate you -- Don't Leave me another book on BPD.
I don't know how much the reading helps and how much it throws me into more disorder and despair. I think it does a lot of both, really, and paradoxically, I think maybe that's what needs to happen.
Here's a link to some info on 'The High Conflict Couple':
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=73976.0
At this stage in my life, almost anything is worth a try. If I don't progress away from the hole I am in, I really may as well just give up now. I am not a positive influence on anyone, or anything, in the state I am in at the moment. There's a saying that says: 'the only way is up'. If only that were so! On my walk home today I was thinking this blog should not be called The Lasagne Project so much as it should be titled: The Sinking Ship.
I need to sleep now. I'm thirsty, but I don't even feel like venturing out of my room to get a drink of water. My son is staying at his fathers tonight. Poor child, I'm sure he needs the reprieve. My psychologist was absolutely horrified when I told her about my partner waking him up in the middle of the night to tell him that I was trying to self harm. She said 'No child should have to deal with something like that!'. Tell me about it.
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