It's been a busy day. Well, a busy day on my scale. I don't know what other scale to measure by and I don't really know any more what might constitute busy for anyone else, or what might be considered a normal or reasonable amount of activity or achievement for anyone, anyone else? Or me.
I got out of bed, for a start. I usually do manage to pull that off - though some days it feels like success might be measured by how long I manage to stay out, or how long after I get out that things start to fall apart, or I cry. Or I have an altercation with my partner. Today I have not cried. Perhaps that can be counted as a major achievement?
After I got out of bed I cleaned off a side table that had become a clutter pile and an eyesore. I took everything extraneous away, I wiped it off, covered it with a pretty cloth .... put back some beautiful things and tidied the magazines. I felt a true sense of achievement. I guess that's kind of sad. Something so simple, that might take a 'normal' person a quarter of an hour, was my major achievement of the morning. In fact, I was so inspired I went on to clean off the top of the microwave - which had descended into a similar state to the coffee table. That made me feel really good too.
The day progressed along, with a family breakfast, phone calls from friends, a bit of reading, and even a nap - interspersed with bursts of cleaning and clearing small patches of the house that have been driving me crazy for what feels like quite some time. The three of us (my partner, my 10 year old son & myself) had lunch on the deck - hot dogs. Not much, in some people's terms, all said and done - but way more than I have achieved in a day in a long time. AND achieved while feeling good about it - not panicked or angry cleaning and hurling, culling and fretting, like I do sometimes when I'm feeling under great pressure. I did it because I wanted to, and it felt good.
I even managed to make a lasagne. I cleaned out the fridge - wiped down all the shelves (nope, not the door, yet - that's another project) & got out all the veggies to take stock of what we had. I ended up deciding it wasn't yet time for the Guardian lasagne as I couldn't justify shopping when we had so much food on hand. So - we had a bottom of the fridge lasagne. It was really good. I cooked up the veggies in a tomato based sauce with a bit of red wine and some salami. Tasted great. I made a white sauce and stirred in the last of the ham, finely chopped, some chopped continental parsley and the last of the Philly cheese - excellent. We still had half a pack of fresh Leggo lasagne sheets and that was plenty to make a decent medium sized tray of lasagne that turned out very nicely indeed. We had it with a bit of salad, some corn cobs and a few snow peas, and a glass of red, or two.
So - where did the wheels fall off? After dinner my partner washed up, and we watched a movie - some romantic comedy, I've already forgotten what it was called, but it was fun. And then it was time for bed.
Ah - brain snap!
I wanted the television off, I wanted my son to have a quick wash and to to bed, it was half past ten, after all. My partner wanted to see what was on next, and then (to me) seemed to be pushing the barrow of keeping the television on and watching the next movie. The next thing that happens is I hear myself screaming "NOOOOOOOO". Restrospectively (apparently) this did not happen. Nobody screamed, I am told. The next bit of the evening was spent with my son bathing himself and me quivering in a corner somewhere, my head pounding and my heart hammering. I managed to get myself into the bath, after my son got out, and spend quite some time trying to calm myself down. When I felt sufficiently calm, I thought, I got out and dried myself and then tried to talk to my partner about what happened, and what my needs were at that time (of the snap). Apparently this did not happen either - apparently, I picked an argument.
I've lost my grip on reality around these things, so I don't really know what happened. Was the TV really turned off within 15 seconds of my indicating my unhappiness that it might stay on? Did I really pick an argument? I am not an authority on these matters. Unfortunately.
What a shame to end an otherwise really good day on such a sour note. It feels like big steps backwards to me. Maybe it's not. Maybe the fact that I am not drunk on the tiles, or howling and snivelling, curled in a ball inside the wardrobe actually means that it all turned out OK, despite a bit of a hiccup. Again, at this stage of the game, I am not an authority on the matter.
All I know is - I was feeling good, and like I was making progress, and then I felt incredibly pressured and threatened, and then I snapped. And then I pulled myself together, and then I tried to address the issue calmly with my partner, and then it all escalated and got worse. And then I realised my son was watching and listening intently, and then I put him to bed, feeling like a horrible failure. And now my shoulders hurt, it is after midnight, my head feels all full of cotton wool, I can't stop peeing (happens when I am stressed) and the bliss of the day seems to have evaporated.
So it goes.
Today I felt like I got all the filling pretty right, and well balanced, but - I don't know - the dish cracked? Maybe not that bad .... maybe the pasta (the structural building supports of the whole life thing) didn't quite come through for me. Don't know. Maybe one day I will. That day is not today.
Now that it's already tomorrow, I guess it's time to try to go to bed and forget it all for what's left of the night & get up and try again tomorrow.
At least there will be leftover veggie and deli cut lasagne.
I got out of bed, for a start. I usually do manage to pull that off - though some days it feels like success might be measured by how long I manage to stay out, or how long after I get out that things start to fall apart, or I cry. Or I have an altercation with my partner. Today I have not cried. Perhaps that can be counted as a major achievement?
After I got out of bed I cleaned off a side table that had become a clutter pile and an eyesore. I took everything extraneous away, I wiped it off, covered it with a pretty cloth .... put back some beautiful things and tidied the magazines. I felt a true sense of achievement. I guess that's kind of sad. Something so simple, that might take a 'normal' person a quarter of an hour, was my major achievement of the morning. In fact, I was so inspired I went on to clean off the top of the microwave - which had descended into a similar state to the coffee table. That made me feel really good too.
The day progressed along, with a family breakfast, phone calls from friends, a bit of reading, and even a nap - interspersed with bursts of cleaning and clearing small patches of the house that have been driving me crazy for what feels like quite some time. The three of us (my partner, my 10 year old son & myself) had lunch on the deck - hot dogs. Not much, in some people's terms, all said and done - but way more than I have achieved in a day in a long time. AND achieved while feeling good about it - not panicked or angry cleaning and hurling, culling and fretting, like I do sometimes when I'm feeling under great pressure. I did it because I wanted to, and it felt good.
I even managed to make a lasagne. I cleaned out the fridge - wiped down all the shelves (nope, not the door, yet - that's another project) & got out all the veggies to take stock of what we had. I ended up deciding it wasn't yet time for the Guardian lasagne as I couldn't justify shopping when we had so much food on hand. So - we had a bottom of the fridge lasagne. It was really good. I cooked up the veggies in a tomato based sauce with a bit of red wine and some salami. Tasted great. I made a white sauce and stirred in the last of the ham, finely chopped, some chopped continental parsley and the last of the Philly cheese - excellent. We still had half a pack of fresh Leggo lasagne sheets and that was plenty to make a decent medium sized tray of lasagne that turned out very nicely indeed. We had it with a bit of salad, some corn cobs and a few snow peas, and a glass of red, or two.
So - where did the wheels fall off? After dinner my partner washed up, and we watched a movie - some romantic comedy, I've already forgotten what it was called, but it was fun. And then it was time for bed.
Ah - brain snap!
I wanted the television off, I wanted my son to have a quick wash and to to bed, it was half past ten, after all. My partner wanted to see what was on next, and then (to me) seemed to be pushing the barrow of keeping the television on and watching the next movie. The next thing that happens is I hear myself screaming "NOOOOOOOO". Restrospectively (apparently) this did not happen. Nobody screamed, I am told. The next bit of the evening was spent with my son bathing himself and me quivering in a corner somewhere, my head pounding and my heart hammering. I managed to get myself into the bath, after my son got out, and spend quite some time trying to calm myself down. When I felt sufficiently calm, I thought, I got out and dried myself and then tried to talk to my partner about what happened, and what my needs were at that time (of the snap). Apparently this did not happen either - apparently, I picked an argument.
I've lost my grip on reality around these things, so I don't really know what happened. Was the TV really turned off within 15 seconds of my indicating my unhappiness that it might stay on? Did I really pick an argument? I am not an authority on these matters. Unfortunately.
What a shame to end an otherwise really good day on such a sour note. It feels like big steps backwards to me. Maybe it's not. Maybe the fact that I am not drunk on the tiles, or howling and snivelling, curled in a ball inside the wardrobe actually means that it all turned out OK, despite a bit of a hiccup. Again, at this stage of the game, I am not an authority on the matter.
All I know is - I was feeling good, and like I was making progress, and then I felt incredibly pressured and threatened, and then I snapped. And then I pulled myself together, and then I tried to address the issue calmly with my partner, and then it all escalated and got worse. And then I realised my son was watching and listening intently, and then I put him to bed, feeling like a horrible failure. And now my shoulders hurt, it is after midnight, my head feels all full of cotton wool, I can't stop peeing (happens when I am stressed) and the bliss of the day seems to have evaporated.
So it goes.
Today I felt like I got all the filling pretty right, and well balanced, but - I don't know - the dish cracked? Maybe not that bad .... maybe the pasta (the structural building supports of the whole life thing) didn't quite come through for me. Don't know. Maybe one day I will. That day is not today.
Now that it's already tomorrow, I guess it's time to try to go to bed and forget it all for what's left of the night & get up and try again tomorrow.
At least there will be leftover veggie and deli cut lasagne.
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