Experimenting

Well, another loooong gap between postings. I'm never sure if that means I've been good, or not. I've realised that's one of the complications of setting up a blog to chronicle a hoped for recovery process .... Posting a lot could mean that there is lots of progress, or possibly, that things are very bad. So, in this case, perhaps it's just mostly: neither of the above.

So, what's changed? I got an iPad - and have now found a blogging platform I want to play with. What has stayed the same? I still crumble into a heap at what other people would consider to be insignificant triggers.

When was the last time I made a lasagne? About a week ago. But it had been quite a while before that.

What else have I been up to? Working, a lot. Not much else at all.

Oh - I do have a 'show' at the moment, it's called The Legend of the Seeker, and I love it!!

The Seeker is just a great escape, with beautiful scenery and it's just the right kind of story for me - drama, magic, horses, love, a quest ....

Other fronts are just muddling along. I truly don't think I've made any progress at all in the past few months. I think I'm just treading water. I guess I should work harder!!

 

 

 

 

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It's been a while

Perhaps that means things have been good? I think they really have for a little while, and today is minor, on the scale of things. It's just that, inevitably it seems, there's this narkiness that rises to the surface. Although I can see a bit of a pattern to it, I just can't deal with it when it rears its ugly head.

There's just these points. I think they are triggered by things like: me not being 'wifely' enough, by fatigue, or by some other random stressors. At these times, when my partner feels pressured, or when others are not seeming to live up to his standard, or when he feels like he is doing more than his fair share, he just turns bitchy, acidic ... and starts to eat holes in me.

It starts out fairly undirected, fairly generic cplaints and criticisms, directed at the air, obtusely - just thrown out there, to anybody who happens to be listening. Except they anybody always seems to be me. And the comments get more and more pointed, more needling, more personal. Until I crack.

I don't know what else is supposed to happen. What are these disparaging remarks actually supposed to achieve? Tonight the net result is that I am sitting in the dark, in the cold night air, and I will not be well enough to see my child. Nothing good can come of this approach. Nothing good ever does.

I am tired. I am cold. I am lost. I am lonely. I am confused. And once again, for the first time in what feels like weeks, I must admit - I begin to despair.

I despair of ever being understood. I despair of ever being truly respected a, supported and appreciated. I despair of ever being stable, Nd reliably happy. I despair of ever truly knowing the meaning of self worth, and trust.

Past Caring

Another crap night.  I don't know what the ratio is, but it can't be good.  I get to this point sometimes, where I just feel a bit hollow.  Where it all doesn't really matter anymore.  Where I just think, OK - when my house is fixed, I will sell it, and I will pay my partner back whatever he feels I owe him, and if there is enough left over, I will buy a cheap van, just big enough to sleep in, and I will live in that.  I will try to earn just enough to feed myself, and cover vehicle expenses and have a little bit to try to share with the kids when I can.  I will park at the beach, or wherever, and just try to incur as few expenses as possible.  And just, well, just exist - with as little impact on anyone or anything as possible.

I get to this point where I think: nothing has ever worked for me, and it doesn't really seem like anything ever will, so why bother?  There's this Henry Lawson poem, and there's a refrain in it that rings so true.  Sure, the woman in the poem has had a MUCH harsher life, with way worse losses - but still, that feeling ... that feeling, I can relate.

This is the final stanza:

My eyes are dry, I cannot cry,
I've got no heart for breakin',
But where it was in days gone by,
A dull and empty achin'.
My last boy ran away from me,
I know my temper's wearin',
But now I only wish to be
Beyond all signs of carin'.
Past wearyin' or carin',
Past feelin' and despairin';
And now I only wish to be
Beyond all signs of carin'.

 Perhaps I am being a little melodramatic, relating to something like that - but like all things, if it's real for me, then there's truth in it, even if it's not a 'truth' that someone outside of me would be willing to accept.

I will go to work though.  Of course.  Like a robot.  And when I get there, I will be somebody else, one of those other me's - the one they expect to see.  And I will smile, and maybe even laugh, and I will enjoy my shift.  And then it will be over, and I will be back to the real world, of having nothing and no-one that I can trust or rely on to really hold me up, to truly support me, to validate me in a way that makes me know I am human, and loveable, and that I have worth.

It's time for me to go.  This contemplation will have to wait.  For now, all I know is, I am nothing - an empty shell.  On the outside of me can be projected whatever the observer needs to see.  That is survival.  But on the inside, there is nothing much.  Just dry, shrivelled up, broken pieces of hurt.  Sometimes they try to mend, and coalesce back into something that can flourish and shine.  Mostly they fail.

The Photoshoot

Well, I just moved on.  What else can you do?  We (my partner and I) are back to being affectionate with each other and back to the comfort of everyday routines.  I've let the rudeness, and the refusals just slide.  Will that work in the long run?  I don't know.  I no longer know whether being able to forgive, without resolution, and just move on is a good thing, or just a sign of 'can't be bothered'.  Is it about caring enough, or about not caring enough?  The eternal mystery.

Today the sun is shining.  The last throes of summer are here.  Daylight savings is over so the mornings seem shinier, but the evenings come down quickly.  How soon the season will turn and before long we will be splitting wood, and stoking the fire.  It seems a goodly while since winter last was here, and that is a positive thing.  I don't like it when the season spins around and I feel like just a moment ago it was here before.  I like it that it feels like summer stretched out an the warmth lasted longer than a minute.

What am I doing with myself today?  I have a psychologists appointment, and that's pretty much it.  I think I'll make a curry later, and do a meal plan for next week.  Now that the oven is working again, I should factor in a lasagne.  Next weeks a bit of a busy one, so it might need to be on the weekend.

I'm sleepy right now.  I woke up when my partner left for work.  But last night I sat up and watched a movie.  It was an Australian movie called 'The Boys are Back'.  It made me cry.  It was a poignant story, about a father who lost his partner, and was dealing with his two sons, with vast seas between them, and all the while, coping with his own grief.  I loved the story, and the pace, and the settings.  It was on a commercial channel, so I got the kitchen mostly clean during the ad breaks.  Not quite, but I forgave myself that when 11pm rolled around, and with the movie over, I woke my partner (who had been sleeping since before nine) and dredged him off the couch to come upstairs to bed.

Yesterday I worked a half shift (4 hours) in the store, then went down into the city to an agency I have signed up with, hoping to pick up a bit of extra work - ads, or whatever.  Just for a bit of additional cash.  I had a photo shoot yesterday.  The first time I went I neglected to take the requested several changes of outfit, for the pictures for their website.  They did take some shots of me that day anyway, in what I had rocked up to my interview in.  Yesterday I took in a few more things, and I think some of the shots have turned out OK.

I have no idea if it's a stupid thing to do or not.  I haven't done that kind of work before, really.  The photo shoot cost me $250, and other than that, I think they just take a percentage, if they manage to get you any work.  I'm hoping I get a bit here and there, but I have not a clue what the odds are, or if they have people who sit on their books for years, and never get anything.  We shall see.

And that's just about it for now.  I'm sleepy.  Maybe I'll catch a bit of extra zzzz before I actually get up for the day.  Then when I do get up for the day, well - I guess I'll work out my plans then.  Quite frankly, I don't feel like doing much at all!

Unhappy Endings

We had a great weekend, marred by a horrible Sunday night.  What happened?  Everything was going so well.  What a typical microcosmic reflection of my life in general.  I'll be rocking along all very nicely thank you, and the next thing, I find myself curled up in a ball of misery and despair.  This weekend was like that.  So here I am, Monday morning - unwashed, and unfed, and wishing for - nothingness.  Sad, sad, sad.

I struggle so much with my partners absolute refusal to own his own rudeness and obnoxiousness.  I understand that I am a difficult person, and that it doesn't take much to tip me over the edge, but I need, really really need, when something does, for the other person to understand the reality of the role that they have played.  Yes, even when my reaction is disproportionate, even when a 'normal' person would have shrugged off the insult and moved on, or tackled it on the spot, with a kind rebuttal, and sorted it out right there and then .... if it makes me fall to pieces, it is real for me, horrendously, horrifyingly, life threateningly real.  If it makes me miserable and helpless, and incapacitated, no matter how unbelievable it is to others for me it is ACTUAL, it HAPPENED, and it damaged me, and I need HELP.

The horrible aftermath of that is the if help does not come, yes, eventually (up until now at least) I am able to haul myself back out, but I am just that little step more distant from whomever or whatever it is that hurt me.  There is a scar, a callous, a hardening.  When I ask for help to resolve, it's like asking for a salve, a balm, the rose hip oil (the scarless healer).  The something that will take away the pain and hurt and help me to move past that point.  Rationality can come later, when I have my land legs, my sane mind, back again - but when I am in that ugly dark place reason (denial of the reality that I AM experiencing) just drives me further under.

Struggle.  I struggle with the basics.  I struggle with normal loads of housework.  I struggle to hold down a regular job.  I struggle with the normal, even, smooth family relationships that others seem to be able to manage.  I struggle with basic personal care.  I struggle to eat sensibly, I struggle to even like myself, let alone love myself.  I struggle to understand why anyone would be bothered to uphold an ongoing relationship of any sort with me.  I struggle to accept that I can be loved.

I struggle to allow myself the time to be me.  I struggle to know who ME actually is.  I have a photoshoot tomorrow, with an agency (desperate for cash, I decided to sign up to be rent-a-crowd).  They asked me to bring 3 outfits of my own, that are different, but that are ME.  WTF?  Who is me?  I just have uniforms.  And house clothes, and things that don't fit.  And work clothes from other jobs.  And things I bought in a rush, from the bottom of the price bracket - to attend social events where not having anything appropriate would offend the hosts.  What the hell am I going to take?  Three outfits that I like!  I don't really even have ONE.

So that's where I am right now today.

I made the brown lentil & honey slow cooker dish again last night.  I have no idea what it was like, because I was too upset to eat.  It can't have been that great, because I packed up three lunch boxes of it last night & they are all still in the fridge, and have been pushed right to the back.

I do have meal plans for the week.  No lasagnes in sight.  Perhaps that is the problem.  Perhaps I've lost my way again altogether.  Lasagne was supposed to be one of my anchors, one of my signals to myself that things were getting better - that life is complex, not easy - and that not everything turns out perfectly, but that in general, some appreciation, nourishment and enjoyment can be derived from it anyway.  I guess I had lost sight of that again.

My one healing project yesterday, in a flash of inspiration (which was later crushed & crumbled) was to make a playlist of one song each from all of the musicians who are playing this year at the Byron Bay Blues Festival.  It cost me a day of searching & downloading and a $35 iTunes bill - but it's a great playlist.  I so wanted to listen to it over dinner last night, but for me, dinner didn't happen.

Despite all that, I'm listening to the playlist now.  I didn't think I'd be able to as it has now developed some nasty associations - but it is an excellent playlist full of amazing artists, and I can't help but enjoy it, despite all the other shit that has gone down.

My partner is refusing to apologise, claiming that he did nothing.  He was rude and nasty as I was trying to get meals for us on the table, and drove me away - out of the house and out of my stable and sane mind.  He says he did nothing wrong.  I suppose the choice for me is then do I accept that, or do I insist that it is VITAL for me that he understands that while he may view his behaviour as acceptable, for me it was UNACCEPTABLE and DAMAGING.  What do I do?  I'm lost.  I don't know.  I'm sad, I'm drifting in the sea of unsafety.  I have no rudder, no direction, no sails (no drive).  Where to from here?  It always seems like down into the dark is the clearest way open.  How do I look up into the light?  And if I do - does that mean "move away from pain", "relinquish that which hurts you"?

If only he could understand that what I need is acknowledgement.  I don't have to have things to be different right now.  He doesn't need to be anyone other than he is, but I do need to hear:  I'm sorry, I hurt you, I can see that, I didn't mean to, what can I do now?  How can we make it better?

I'm listening to a song call by a group called Dawes, it's called 'If I wanted Someone'.  It sums it up:

like the memory from your mother’s house from before you got too old
like the feeling from a photograph before it’s meanings all got told
the words I say can be silver, but what’s left unsaid can be gold
so get to know me once I go away

maybe ‘cause I come from such an empty-hearted town
or maybe ‘cause some love of mine had really let me down
but the only time I am lonely is when others are around
I just never end up knowing what to say

if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy

I took everything I thought from what it means to be a man
we need words to be put to what we do not understand
while you lean into the echoes and you do not raise a hand
oh woman, help me see it like it is

if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy

if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to cut me down, I’d have handed you the blade
I want you to make the days move easy
I just want you to make the days move easy

Once we had dreams.  I wonder if these days we just have sadness, emptiness, troubles and regrets.  I never really wanted anything much from my partner - just for him to make my 'days move easy'.  I don't need much, but I do need love, acknowledgement and understanding.  I need to have my feelings and perceptions recognised as REAL.  So being NOT SORRY, is like saying "I did nothing, you are fucked in the head for being upset, it's all in your imagination, you are an idiot, an emotional cripple, an hysteric and I refuse to try to see it from your point of view.  Get over it, without help, I have nothing to do with your current state".

And that kills me.

I've been so busy!

This is absolutely the first moment of reflective quiet that I have had, where I am at home, with access to the laptop - since my last post.  And so much has happened.  To be honest, having read that last post right now, I don't know that my partner and I have really done that much work directly on our issues, or the relationship - but we really have made an effort at just being good to each other, and being loving, and close, and yes, talking - when there is time!

Crazy crazy times.  There was the week of having my mother here.  Then there was an entire week of training for my new job.  My job is part time, but the training was full time, and stretched into a second week as well - and some of it was conducted in the CBD - so it was back to massive days & long commutes for a few days there.  I have my part time roster now.  Yesterday & the day before I did my first two real shifts, on my duties, in the store.  It was really fun.  I have today & tomorrow off, then another 4 hour shift on Sunday.

What else is going on in my life?  I haven't progressed very far with my FLYlady baby steps - but I've been mostly managing to polish the sink and leave it clean and clear each night.  There have been a few exceptions, but not many.  One of the nice things that has happened is that without any prompting, the au pair has been mirroring the sink behaviour - so if he washes up, he goes through much the same process, which is excellent.  Most days I remind myself to get up and get dressed, all the way down to my shoes.  I haven't today.  I've snuck out in my dressing gown.  But I might actually sneak back to bed for a little bit once I've finished this post.  Not sure.  I got up when my partner headed off to work for the day.  I'm not sure if I've slept enough - but - he gets up then, and works a full shift, so in some senses I feel like I should be up and doing things too.

As I exited the bedroom (in the dark) this morning, I could see a little patch of something on the floor.  I flipped on the light to see what it was.  My partner has left me a little notebook (I've still been forgetting lots of things) and he's written my first few reminders/things to do in there.  It's very sweet.  I really do need a little tool like that.

So am I back from the brink?  Yes and absolutely.  Will I go there again?  Sadly, history seems to indicate that it's highly likely.  Have I learned any coping tools?  Maybe.

Here's a bit of a list of what seems to be working so far:

• the Naturopath - I think those supplements have been HUGE
• the Chiropractor - but not just any old chiropractor, it needs to be a really good one
• routine, such as the FLYlady
• reading about BPD, but not allowing myself to associate as THAT person too much
• friends - close ones, who I've told what's going on, just being supportive, accepting, and loving

Funny, but I'm reluctant to put the psychologist on that list.  Of all the tools and support I've played around with, I've felt the least helped by that - but the world is a funny place and help can be a subtle thing, so I don't want to write it off completely - but it's definitely not in my top five.

Oh - CHANGING JOBS!!  Getting out of a toxic and exhausting environment, and then finding work somewhere positive and fun, where employees are treated not only as human beings, but as people with enormous (and varied) potential.  THAT is huge.

OK - well, it's nearly enough from me for one post.  I haven't made a lasagne since the crock pot cheese and spinach one.  We have been doing a lot of crock pot meals though.  The oven element is broken at the moment, so hooray for the crock pot!

I've gotten really quite enthusiastic about meal planning, and meal preparation, which is kind of nice.  We've been eating really well & lots of variety with lots of great leftovers to take for work lunches.  A must, now that the budget is so much tighter.  

We will survive.  I will survive.

The Brink Again

I'm right back there, looking at the abyss.  Theres a big black hole just beckoning me, calling me come in. I just want there to be nothing.  No-one.  No tomorrow.  No bills, no stress, no pressure, none of these feelings of absolute despair and worthlessness.

I woke this morning and I just lay here, wishing I was not awake, wishing that I was NOT.  When I feel like this I just don't want to exist.  I want to cease.  I want to be swallowed, by the jaws of the malevolent universe, and drawn into it's acidic stomach, and melted to nothing, with no memory or pain left behind.

The only thing that holds me on this earth is my kids.  I so wanted to go, even this morning.  I have the opportunity.  My partner has gone out to golf, the au pair is not awake, and my son is still sleeping also.  The only thing that stays my hand is the thought of my beautiful ten year old son finding me, and the trauma that would cause him.  I don't fear what his life might be like without me, he has an excellent father, and lots of loving family and friends around him, he would be fine.  But I don't want him to be scarred by finding a bloody or mangled body and realising that I was dead.

I do worry about my daughter, and who would be there for her if I were gone.  Her father is far away, and she is not completely independent yet.  She's very good, and has another job now - but she still comes to me for help, and for food.  I helped her to pay for something for her car the other day.  My partner was angry, I'm sure.  He's angry and resentful about all the money I spend, but I don't know what else to do.  How can I refuse her when I have money in the bank?  She is my child.  She is trying to make a life for herself, but isn't quite there yet.  She does so much for herself and it's been so long since she's been under my roof.  She shelters elsewhere, only eats with me sometimes, mostly clothes herself, and manages to be independently mobile nearly all of the time.  When she does come to me for help, I am just grateful to see her and that she feels she can ask.

My big son is overseas, and he is fine now.  He's pretty much completely out of the nest, and has a life of his own.  I don't think my presence or absence on the planet would affect him very much at all.

So I live for the younger two.  I go to the naturopath, the doctor, the psychologist and the chiropractor, and even to my chinese lessons, to try to make myself well enough to continue to exist on the planet, to do the things I need to do for them.

Up until recently, I had worked to pay my passage on this planet, for the time I need to stay here.  Then I became so unwell that full time professional work was no longer an option.  It was going to kill me.  So, by agreement with my partner, I stopped.  And now it's an issue.  I spend too much.  I earn too little.  I don't budget.  I have no thought for the future.

Of course I have no thought for the future!  It's a miracle that I am alive today.  The statistics for BPD sufferers are not that great.  Death by suicide is hundreds, if not thousands of times more common for Borderlines than it is for the general populace.  And I'm here to tell you, it's a huge temptation.  The pull of the knife, the bathroom medications, the cord, the veranda rail ... the road, the sea, the rocks and forest offering up spiders and snakes ... it is great.  The wish to slip away into nothingness, to not have to deal with any of this anymore, it is strong.

I've been trying.  I feel like I've been trying so hard.  And up until last night, I had been feeling that my partner has been really there for me, really supportive.  Last night, I felt like he felled me like a tree.  Then he walked away.  At the time when I needed him most, he walked away, saying "I can't handle this" and he closed two doors between us.  

I was trying so hard not to self harm.  I lay there and told myself: nononononononononononoo.  I gripped my hands between my legs to try to stop from hitting myself.  I clutched the pillow.  I cried.  I was alone.  I felt completely abandoned and worthless.  I hate myself enough, without having the person I need approval from more than anything else in the world denounce me, then walk away.  

I did go to get him, in the end.  I had to.  I was going to really hurt myself.  I went to him and cried you are supposed to help me!!  He did.  But somewhere in all of this, he also booked in to golf for this morning.  When I went to bed last night, I asked him: 'what are you doing tomorrow?', and he replied: 'I don't know'.  Yet somehow, today, he got up and went.  He says I am better off without him around when I am like this.  Perhaps there is some truth in that, but I always come back to that saying:

IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, 

THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST.

I keep thinking - we can avoid this all we like, but it's not the same as dealing with it.  He can go away and wait until I am feeling better, and come back when the coast is clear.  It works, in the immediate term.  He can slink off and leave me to sort out the mess of my feelings.  Sometimes I really do work through some stuff, while he skirts around it.  But there's not much point me being whole and healed if the relationship is still bent and broken.  It won't do us any good.  It doesn't work that way.

If the relationship is my biggest trigger, then the relationship is what needs to be worked on, even if my partner feels like he is not the one with the problem.  He does have a problem, a really big one.  ME.  And the fact of the matter is, if he wants to keep US, then WE have to work on fixing ME.  If I do it all by myself, it will only work when I am all by myself.  He can give me the time, and the shelter and the financial support for me to heal myself, and perhaps to a degree I will be fixed, but WE will not be fixed, and so the relationship will have no substance, or meaning.

I've walked that road before.  I've accepted in a past relationship that I was the problem, and I worked and worked and worked, to fix me.  I had tried to fix the relationship prior to that - but I was doing it on my own, and as the (another) saying goes, it takes TWO to tango.  When you do some things alone, they are meaningless, worthless.  There's not point fixing myself by myself if the only (or major) bit of myself that is broken is the bit that has relationships with significant others.  That's something I can only work on in PARTNERSHIP with a partner.  

If I have to fix it by myself, I may as well be by myself, and then I wouldn't need to fix it anyway.

So what am I doing?  Sitting here with a raging headache, a sore, raw throat, and a wish to die, faced with sorting it out by myself, yet again.  It gives me no hope for a future, or any desire to be with the partner who abandons me at my times of greatest need.

Where do I go from here?