Daily Vows

I made a realisation a few days ago that I need to let go of the idea of marriage, for now.  I realised that the reason I feel like I really "need" it is because I am so insecure.  I decided that rather than marriage, what my partner and I need to do is to make a vow to one another, every day.  For that day, and for the future.  One day at a time.  I think for people like me, it's a sensible idea.

We haven't made our vows for today yet.  He (my partner) has gone off on a necessary errand and will probably be back in an hour or so.  I'd like to make sure these vows happen every day, so I'm going to come up with one while he is out.  We have made a couple in writing, in a little 'love book' that I started a while back, but which we hadn't written in for nearly a year and one day we did them by text, because he was away overnight, working on another project.

I've just found a pagan vow that I quite like, and will try to rework until it fits 'us' a bit better.

our miracle lies in the path we have chosen together.  I enter this marriage with you knowing that the true magic of love is not to avoid changes, but to navigate them successfully.  Let us commit to the miracle of making each day work - together.  

So, let me have a fiddle:


My darling lover, at times it feels little short of a miracle that we are still together on this path of our lives.  It is important to me to acknowledge that I am here with you of my own choosing today and all days.  

I begin this day with you understanding that the magic of love is not in avoiding changes, conflict or differences of opinion, but in navigating them successfully.  

Today I commit to making this day of our life (which will not come again) a good one, together with you.  I also commit getting up with that same intention again tomorrow and for all of our tomorrows.


OK, there.  Longer, a bit more fiddly perhaps.  But I like it.

That's for today.  My aim is to find a vow to make to my partner, every day.  To set and reset that intention each and every day, whether we are together physically or not.

To me this is important, it's about speaking to those brain chemicals and to that snivelling and un-confident younger self and saying WE ARE HERE, TOGETHER.  He is here, LOOK.  We are committed to this.  Shut up and enjoy yourselves and STOP trying to sabotage the whole damn thing.

When I feel good and I am OK within myself I know that this partnership is incredibly important to me and supports me in ways that reach further than I can grasp.  My partner offers physical and mental support, spiritual and emotional support and more than anything - he offers me companionship.  He is my fellow adventurer.  Yes, he throws up all sorts of challenges and difficulties - but for those reasons also, I believe we are meant to be together.  TO LEARN AND TO GROW together.

Blessed Be.

Procrastination and Avoidance

I'm an expert at both avoidance and procrastination.  I can always find away to put off something that should be done today until some undefined time in the future when 'I have time for it' and I can generally find a way to be pretty much anywhere but home if home has gotten out of hand and become messy, dirty or smelly.  It's a bit of a hassle on the smelly thing because the carpets in the house really do smell bad, a lot of the time.  No amount of vacuuming, deodorising or steam cleaning with our domestic wet/dry vac seems to make any difference to that bad/fusty smell.  Of course some days are worse than others for the smell and when it's damp and cold so the house gets all closed up and circulation is low, it's the worst.  The more the carpet smells, the more I avoid the house.  I've tried incense, natural spays, bicarb soda, eucalyptus oil - pretty much everything I can think of that won't make me sick or give me headaches.  I can't seem to win with that carpet.

At the moment, it's imperative that I cease avoiding what needs to be done and stop procrastinating about sorting, tidying, purging and packing.  We are moving in not too very long and basically, I haven't done a damned thing about it.  I really need to.  I have a bit of leave and so therefore a window of opportunity.  Yet here I am, sitting downstairs in the car, because the light is brighter and it smells better and is not as messy.  I must stop this and just begin, wherever I begin.  I wish I didn't feel so powerless about all my partners seemingly endless amounts of stuff.  We did have a bit of a talk about this a while back.  I think he threw maybe one or two tiny items away and boxed up another batch which have been ignored on the dining room floor for a week now.  We don't miss them, of course, because they are not things we ever use and if we move them with us, if we never open the box, we'll be none the wiser.

Argh!!!  I don't WANT to be surrounded by dead weights.  I don't want to have anchors hanging everywhere.  I want my life (and my home) to be filled only with useful, beautiful, meaningful items that deeply reflect the core of who I am.

That sentence is so important, I think, that I'm going to say it again:

I want my life, and my home, to be filled with only with items that are useful, beautiful and/or meaningful items that deeply reflect the core of who I am.

I don't want extraneous clutter tripping me over, weighing me down and obscuring my view of how things really could be.  I'd rather have too little of perfection than too much of meaningless jumble.

I know that some of these things are meaningful and important to my partner.  I know he likes to hoard and hold.  I don't think those things serve any true purpose, unless we actually utilise them and incorporate them into our lives.  The fact that you keep a cut glass vase doesn't bring back a loved relative that has passed over and the fact (in my opinion) that you keep the bloody thing shoved on a high shelf gathering dust behind dozens of other hoarded items doesn't actually serve their memory in any positive way.  What does it say about how you felt about that person?  I'm happy to shove you on a shelf and allow you to gather dust.  I'll get you out once every few years when I move house and shove you in a box until we get to the new location, where I will shelve you and promptly forget about you again.  How does that work as the keeper of a properly treasured memory?

I struggle with these things, I really do.

I looked up a 'ten best shortcuts to get a house ready for a move' and NUMBER ONE was

Purge, eliminate…whatever you want to call it, just get rid of stuff you don’t need.

Yep, I'd love to.  I've spent years, literally years, throwing away and reducing my own possessions in order to make room for the possessions of various partners.  Quite frankly, I'm just a little bit tired of it, still yet - I think I am going to have to do it all over again.  

After my last relationship breakup, I really was down to the barest of bones (I thought) of who I am, but now I am going to need to let go of the last of my scrapbooking tools and equipment, the last of the last of the last of my books, and really, I don't know what else.  I don't have much.  I cannot and will not let go of my photo albums.  Pretty much all of the music I own these days is on my phone, there's a handful of CD's bought from live events in the past few years, that's all.  All other physical music I parted company with long since.  Yes, I need to trim down my clothing again.  That's an ongoing thing and I'm happy to do that.  Always.

For the life of me, I just down know what else in the house is mine to deal with.  Almost nothing.  It makes me feel very tied, very powerless, very frustrated.

I know I've gone on about this in another post, previously - but I still haven't found a solution for it.  I tried working with my partner, to look at things and to get some sorting done.  It was so horribly tense and he became so terribly defensive about all of his things, item by item, that I felt I couldn't tackle it again, I felt like it was going to blow up into some awful argument.  What I need him to understand (but can't quite seem to convey) is that I am not trying to take away who he is, or his past, I am simply trying to make room for us, as a couple, to have a fantastic present and future.

I'm stuck.  I'm stuck weighed down by stuff that is not mine to either purge or eliminate.  I don't know how to get rid of it or to explain to my partner that not only do we not NEED that stuff, it actually has negative effects, at least on me.  In fact, the NEED is to lighten the load, it's suffocating me.

The step two suggestion is:

Have a garage sale.

Again - the stuff is not really mine to sell and I think I've pretty much let go of everything of any value that may have been sale-able.  I truly feel that I have almost nothing.  It's probably not entirely true and I guess once we have moved everything we need to the new house, we still have this one in our possession and we'll have an opportunity to go through what has been left behind (which will include a couple of washing machines and a very large table, I suspect) perhaps having a garage sale here might be a good idea.  Not for the money, just so that the stuff gets recycled and goes off to be useful to someone.

I've got to get through step one, and the move, before I can get to that though.

Step three?

Organize the stuff you keep.

OK - yep.  That's fair, and makes sense .... and again, the less there is, the easier to get organised.

Right, there's not much that I feel in control of, but I'd better go start purging the stuff that I feel I have a right to (my clothes, my son's cloths, my scrapbooking gear, bathroom odds and ends).  

The rest will have to wait, I guess and I will have to get brave and tackle those hard conversations again.

Kingsukuroi

Kintsuki, or kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of mending broken ceramics, using gold. What a beautiful idea. What very lovely results. The technique is an obvious and wonderful analogy for the repair of broken people, or people with broken hearts or minds. The message is clear.

 

If we are handled (or handle ourselves) with enough loving care and good intention, we can be put back together again, for sure. Yes, it will be still evident where the cracks were, but those mended cracks can be build ever so wonderfully into our being and can, in fact, make us more beautiful than before. To a degree, it is partly in the eye of the beholder. To some, perfect and pristine is the only acceptable state of being, but to many others, well worn and lovingly repaired can make hearts and minds resonate and sing.

 

The trick is to do a gorgeous repair job. I had a pair of jeans once, a long time ago. They were old, faded, and much mended. I relished each new crack and tear because it gave me another opportunity to patch those jeans of many colours. I used to sew a lot, so I had plenty of fabric around. Each patch had a story to tell .... when it was added, who I was with, and what garment which I had sewed did the fabric of the patch come from? The breakage and the mending became not just the story, but also the glory of those jeans. How I adored them! I loved wearing them with tops I had made that had matching patches on the jeans. Those jeans were really something.

 

I do love old. I do love well worn. I don't love broken. I must become a mender of souls, a repairer of hearts, a fixer of minds. Especially my own. What I realise now is there is no shame in being repaired, the only shame is in letting something lie broken that could be made whole, in a new way, even more wondrous and desirable than the old.

 

 

 

 

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I’m practicing house avoidance

It’s something I do when home/domestics get out of control.  I guess it doesn’t really help anything much.  The right thing to do would be to get in there, sleeves rolled up, and tackle the things that are bothering me.

Trouble is, there’s so many things bothering me it all feels a bit overwhelming and I don’t know where to start, and some of the things that are bothering me are (or feel) out of my control.

Maybe I should try listing my top ten issues with the house and then either fix them myself or try to figure out a way to work through them.

1. the carpet
2. the clutter
3. the cockroaches
4. mess
5. darkness/dullness
6. layout
7. more mess
8. more clutter
9. carpet
10. bed on floor situation

Well - that’s kind of it.  Some things got listed twice.  That’s because they feel SO big that when I run my eyes mentally around the house, I keep bumping in to them wherever I go.  I think I will have to break the mess and clutter into definable areas that might be able tow work as bite sized chunks and then just make a schedule and figure out how and when I’m going to tackle each thing or area.

I’m going to have to get a huge amount of toxic (yes, it really really bothers me but I don’t know what else to do) cockroach spray and spray extensively as I go.  The house has developed a really serious cockroach plague and it’s totally depressing and off-putting.

So - where do I begin?

Let’s take item number one - the carpet.  I do absolutely, completely and vehemently HATE IT.  It’s one of those things I feel very little control over.  I’ve lived with it for a couple of years now.  I accepted living with it in the outset because I thought it was something we would change.  We haven’t and I’ve had a hate affair with it pretty much every day, for the entire time we’ve lived at the house.  It’s a total deal breaker for me.

What can I do about the carpet right now?  I can vacuum it and I can get someone out to give me a quote to do a full professional clean of it and subsequent to that, perhaps I can re-open the discussion with my partner about the potential for taking (at least some of) it out, and replacing it with something more live-able and less depressing.  

That’s three distinct phases that need to be seen as separate actions.

CARPET ACTIONS:

1. vacuum
2. get professional clean quote
3. discuss removal

OK.  Next problem, clutter.  Bad enough to make the list twice, so lets divide it into zones.  There are in fact more than two zones.  We have:  ENTRY LEVEL CLUTTER, LOWER DECK CLUTTER AND UPSTAIRS CLUTTER.  I’m not even going to go there with the flat - I just don’t look or function in there, I don’t see it as a place I have any control over or investment in.  I’m going to completely ignore the lower deck for the time being too - it’s just too much.  So - much focuses are going to be simply main house upstairs clutter and main house downstairs clutter.  What can I do about these things?

For this, I may need to enlist the help of both the FLY Lady and my partner.  The FLY Lady has some serious decluttering programs, which I think you can sign up for and get motivational emails regarding.  That might help.

One of my biggest problems with the clutter at the house is that I own relatively little of the items that fill it.  What we are ever going to do with many of these things and what earthly purpose they serve is a bit beyond me, but they are not my possessions to get rid of.  That makes it difficult.

Clutter steps:

1. sign up/commit to FLY Lady decluttering program
2. enlist help of partner and commitment from him to declutter also
3. carry out serious cull of own possessions
4. fumigate all items during each step of the process
5. set some boxes aside ready to move to new home
6. MINIMISE MINIMISE MINIMISE MINIMISE !!!!!!!

That’s the top two problems.  Dealing with them should to some degree help with the cockroach issues anyway - but I think the plague is bad enough it needs to also be tackled in it’s own right.

So - for the cockroaches, we need to: 

1. engage a professional pest controller
2. work systematically through each nook and cranny of the house, removing everything and spraying, before returning anything to that zone
3. start in the worst cockroach infested areas and work through slowly from those to other areas of the house.  Top problem zones are:
1. kitchen
2. bathroom
3. laundry
4. lounge room

Decluttering and cockroach control actions which can be taken by us should be able to go pretty much hand in hand.  It’s a public holiday today so getting a pest controller isn’t going to be a today thing.

We had been going to wait until we had at least partially moved out before getting a professional, but I think it’s gone a bit beyond the pale and we kind of need them now.

Next item: MESS

Yes, mess as separate to clutter.  We have both.  What I guess I should try to do is identify specific mess areas that really get me down and tackle them in order of depressingness.

Top mess areas to tackle in order:

1. Single armchair under window
2. glass table next to single armchair under window
3. front door entry area
4. long table in workroom outside laundry
5. laundry
6. main bedroom

That’s enough messes to think about and list for today.  There is one area of the house that really haunts me as somewhere I try not to think about or look.  It’s probably more clutter than mess.  I know I don’t like it and that it’s a whole black hole full of stuff we won’t have room for at the new place.  It’s the storage hole behind the toilet in the main bathroom.  I hate that area.  I try to only open the door quickly and slam it shut again without looking.  I’ll have to gather up the courage to deal with it at some stage.

In fact - you know what - that’s enough of EVERYTHING to think about for today.  It’s a four day weekend and then I have to be back on deck at work and it’s really crazy busy there at the moment.  If I list anything else, I will be totally overwhelmed.

I’ve got some starting points.

I think it’s first stop the supermarket, for some cockroach sprays and baits.

A quarter of an hour to home

I'm dying to get off the train and go to the loo. Stupid, but work is so busy I ran out the door needing to go and didn't get a chance between one train and the next and this train is too crowded to contemplate getting up and fighting my way through.

 

What a joke. I just don't have moments in my days, even for my most personal of needs at the moment. I guess sometimes work is like that. Not pleasant though. How long can it possibly be sustainable for?

 

To guess it's complicated by the fact that my son's father is away so I'm much less willing to miss a train that will delay my arrival home by half an hour. Tomorrow I'll have to arrange for him to go to a friends, as it is, as none of us are available to be there anytime in the first hour or two after he gets home from school.

 

I suppose soon he will be old enough to go home by himself, but it doesn't feel right yet at this stage. I hate feeling like I have to compromise my parenting standards because of my work.

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Fight or Flight

I have a neighbour who has turned a bit nasty.  It's horrible.  Well, nasty is probably a bit of a stretch really.  It feels like nasty to me, at the moment ... but the truth of the matter is probably more like: stressed, upset, angry, over it.  There's been stuff going on, for over a year now, that has made living where she is living really difficult, due to a project on my side of the fence.  Her boundary is compromised and her footpath is a mess.

I've had a few goes at sorting it out and getting it deal with - but the truth of the matter is, I guess - it hasn't been enough and the whole thing has just dragged on and on.  When that happens, eventually sometimes some people explode.  Explode she did.  Good and proper.

The trouble with some people, when they explode, is that rationality just disappears.  I guess that probably goes for most people, when they explode.  So - I can't have a discussion with her, she just shouts accusations and name calls and adds more and more problems and complaints to the list.  There's not, at the moment, actually a way of sitting down calmly and figuring out what it is that I could do to make things better for her.  I wish I could.

I really dislike dissent and anger.  So much so that my whole fight/flight response goes into high alert over issues like this.  After the first conversation with her I had already decided that I didn't want to live there anymore at all and that I would just put the place on the market.  I've been looking at Real Estate websites, trying to work out how much I might be able to get for my house, and then looking to see what kind of a place I might be able to afford to buy.  I actually saw a place not too far from my current place that looks really great!

A lot of money and effort to spend rather than dealing with a neighbourhood dispute though.

I hope I stop feeling like that soon.  I really do.  I hope she calms down.  I hope we can find a solution that is going to work for her and make her feel like her issues have been addressed.

I have this horrible feeling that she spent such a long time getting to angry that now that she is there, she's decided she's damned well going to stay there.

*sigh*

Tracking Again

I've gotten back into transcribing my blog posts & journal entries into my "book".  I like it - but at the same time it's a quite confronting project.

Reading over the places that I've been, the dark holes that I fell into over the past year and more - it's not a comforting activity.  It's also quite concerning and disturbing to see how far apart my posts in here  and in my journal sometimes have been from my more "public" blog - where I own my own identity, name, face, location ....

It's scary sometimes, when we realise just how much we conceal - even from ourselves!

Even though it's scary, somehow, I've come to think that part of the healing process is in bringing the worlds together.  The very internal, introspective and dark world of a blog that has been intentionally set up to track depression and longed for recovery.  The day to day drudge world of a journal, kept to just record whatever happens, however insignificant.  Then the blog set up to present a public face and to take baby steps as a public writer.  Combine those with the locked and safe blog where there was a defined audience, who were also revealing their own stories, and a facilitator who was leading and asking sometimes quite though provoking questions.

Worlds collide.  Watching it happen on my electronic pages as they thread and lace together is a bit weird.  It doesn't always make me feel safe or wonderful about who I am - but I feel it is a task I must do and I also feel that the result is something that I am bound to share.  No more hiding.  No more shying away from the ugly (but sometimes beautiful) truths of it all.