The flylady says that today I should shine my sink, and get dressed, all the way down to lace up shoes. Well - I didn't shine the sink properly last night, again. The au pair washed up. I'm not sure whether it's a fair thing to impose flylady techniques on him. It's pretty cool just having clean dishes. I figure I just need to shine the sink once in every 24 hour period - and admire it for a bit. Lace up shoes presents a bit of a problem in that I'm not sure that (apart from my work boots) I own any. I'll have a dig on the outside shoe rack later. I'm not sure I want to spend my days stomping around the house in my steel caps!
I've finally dipped in to the DBT book. The first paragraph of the introduction tells me that:
Dialectal behaviour therapy ... is extraordinarily effective at helping people manage overwhelming emotions. Research shows that dialectical behaviour therapy strengthens a person's ability to handle distress without losing control or acting destructively.
Is this what I need? Am I so unable to deal with distress and conflicting emotions that I lose control and act destructively? Yes, I think so.
Just this morning, I got up with my partner as he was getting ready for work. I made us a cup of tea and put together some lunch for him to take to work. I was already feeling a bit shaky because I felt he was dismissive about me making his lunch (he said: 'whatever' when I checked in with him about what to give him), and then as we were sitting drinking our tea, the subject of my mother and next week's sleeping arrangements came up. It was enough to throw me quite off kilter.
For a start I'm nervous about my mother coming to visit. I don't really want her to see me like this, or to have to try to explain Borderline Personality Disorder to her. Then: we don't know where she is going to sleep. Apparently I told my partner last week, that mum will sleep in my son's room. I don't remember this. My recollection is that I have stated, all along, that I will clean up both rooms & then offer her a choice, depending on which bed she prefers - so that she gets decent sleep, and doesn't end up with a sore back. This conversation caused tension. I don't think my partner wants my mum to sleep in his daughters bedroom. His daughter hasn't visited us for months, but recently, it seems (without my realisation) it has become HIS bedroom. He did move his clothes in there - but I thought that was to deal with a cupboard space issue. He has been spending more and more time in there (a source of distress for me) - but I had not realised until this morning that he had shifted the locus of his belonging into there. I don't like it.
I guess it doesn't matter what I feel, in this case. If it has become his sacred space, and sanctuary - I just have to deal with that. It doesn't make me feel very good at all. When he decided to move his clothes in to there I did suggest we both put our less used clothes in there & keep our commonly used items in our bedroom - but he didn't like that idea. I think there's some underlying stuff about it being his daughters room and that she still needs a space, when she comes to stay. I know I have some resentment around that, because I feel like she has lost her right to have a space here anymore, by neglecting her father so much, and 'stringing him along' so often. I hate the way she calls and says she is going to come and visit, and then lets him down, over and over again. However - they are MY issues, so I just need to work through them and leave my partner and his daughter to get on with their own relationship I suppose.
I brought up with him (my partner) again last night that my psychologist says that if he and I don't get joint counselling of some sort, and some separate work - probably each individually with the therapist who does our joint counselling .... nothing else that I do will make very much progress. She sees the relationship issues as one of my root cause problems and dealing with them as imperative in my recovery. Nothing came of that conversation. My partner barely acknowledged my psychologists viewpoint and instead went off on the tangent of I don't know where my referral is because my room has been disturbed. It's true - the au pair did clean, tidy AND re-arrange the room, which suddenly, to my surprise, is "my partner's" room. I'm altogether not comfortable with that - but I don't know why - so I just need to let that one rest. The au pair did tidy and re-arrange. I didn't ask him to. I asked him to vacuum and shampoo the carpet. I think he just thought he was taking some initiative. The room actually looks really good. I don't think I can possibly reprimand him for what he has done, but now I feel uncomfortable about complimenting him on a job well done. Damn.
Anyway - apparently my partner's mental health care plan - with the referral for counselling, was in the room & now he doesn't know where it is. I can't imagine that the au pair would have thrown it away, so I'll just have to get in there later and have a search around and see if I can find it. I don't think I can afford to take the risk of letting obstacles be thrown in the way of us going and getting joint counselling. We will not survive, as a couple, without it. It's as simple as that. We can't do this on our own. It's too far gone.
And in the meantime, there's DBT. Another paragraph on the first page of the introduction to my skills book tells me:
Dialectical behaviour therapy teaches four critically important skills that can both reduce the size of emotional waves and help you keep your balance when those emotions overwhelm you.
Bring it on! Not the waves, the learning of the skills!
It's a journey. I've taken some first steps. I think I'm going to be on it for a very long time. I'd better learn to like it and start enjoying the view.
I've finally dipped in to the DBT book. The first paragraph of the introduction tells me that:
Dialectal behaviour therapy ... is extraordinarily effective at helping people manage overwhelming emotions. Research shows that dialectical behaviour therapy strengthens a person's ability to handle distress without losing control or acting destructively.
Is this what I need? Am I so unable to deal with distress and conflicting emotions that I lose control and act destructively? Yes, I think so.
Just this morning, I got up with my partner as he was getting ready for work. I made us a cup of tea and put together some lunch for him to take to work. I was already feeling a bit shaky because I felt he was dismissive about me making his lunch (he said: 'whatever' when I checked in with him about what to give him), and then as we were sitting drinking our tea, the subject of my mother and next week's sleeping arrangements came up. It was enough to throw me quite off kilter.
For a start I'm nervous about my mother coming to visit. I don't really want her to see me like this, or to have to try to explain Borderline Personality Disorder to her. Then: we don't know where she is going to sleep. Apparently I told my partner last week, that mum will sleep in my son's room. I don't remember this. My recollection is that I have stated, all along, that I will clean up both rooms & then offer her a choice, depending on which bed she prefers - so that she gets decent sleep, and doesn't end up with a sore back. This conversation caused tension. I don't think my partner wants my mum to sleep in his daughters bedroom. His daughter hasn't visited us for months, but recently, it seems (without my realisation) it has become HIS bedroom. He did move his clothes in there - but I thought that was to deal with a cupboard space issue. He has been spending more and more time in there (a source of distress for me) - but I had not realised until this morning that he had shifted the locus of his belonging into there. I don't like it.
I guess it doesn't matter what I feel, in this case. If it has become his sacred space, and sanctuary - I just have to deal with that. It doesn't make me feel very good at all. When he decided to move his clothes in to there I did suggest we both put our less used clothes in there & keep our commonly used items in our bedroom - but he didn't like that idea. I think there's some underlying stuff about it being his daughters room and that she still needs a space, when she comes to stay. I know I have some resentment around that, because I feel like she has lost her right to have a space here anymore, by neglecting her father so much, and 'stringing him along' so often. I hate the way she calls and says she is going to come and visit, and then lets him down, over and over again. However - they are MY issues, so I just need to work through them and leave my partner and his daughter to get on with their own relationship I suppose.
I brought up with him (my partner) again last night that my psychologist says that if he and I don't get joint counselling of some sort, and some separate work - probably each individually with the therapist who does our joint counselling .... nothing else that I do will make very much progress. She sees the relationship issues as one of my root cause problems and dealing with them as imperative in my recovery. Nothing came of that conversation. My partner barely acknowledged my psychologists viewpoint and instead went off on the tangent of I don't know where my referral is because my room has been disturbed. It's true - the au pair did clean, tidy AND re-arrange the room, which suddenly, to my surprise, is "my partner's" room. I'm altogether not comfortable with that - but I don't know why - so I just need to let that one rest. The au pair did tidy and re-arrange. I didn't ask him to. I asked him to vacuum and shampoo the carpet. I think he just thought he was taking some initiative. The room actually looks really good. I don't think I can possibly reprimand him for what he has done, but now I feel uncomfortable about complimenting him on a job well done. Damn.
Anyway - apparently my partner's mental health care plan - with the referral for counselling, was in the room & now he doesn't know where it is. I can't imagine that the au pair would have thrown it away, so I'll just have to get in there later and have a search around and see if I can find it. I don't think I can afford to take the risk of letting obstacles be thrown in the way of us going and getting joint counselling. We will not survive, as a couple, without it. It's as simple as that. We can't do this on our own. It's too far gone.
And in the meantime, there's DBT. Another paragraph on the first page of the introduction to my skills book tells me:
Dialectical behaviour therapy teaches four critically important skills that can both reduce the size of emotional waves and help you keep your balance when those emotions overwhelm you.
Bring it on! Not the waves, the learning of the skills!
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