Exhaustion Takes it's Toll

Some days, I just cry from tiredness.  Just lately, despite the fact that I've been eating as well as I know how, and possibly better than I ever have in my life - I feel so much physical pain.  There just doesn't seem to be time to do the basic bodily maintenance to keep it all at bay.

I've taken to wearing socks two days in a row, just airing them on top of my boots.  It saves on washing.  I've NEVER done that before.  I only wash my hair every second or third day now.  That saves time too.  It only looks a bit ratty.  I've stopped caring.  I'm just to tired to really give a rat's arse.

Today I got up and I showered, washed my hair even.  I brushed my teeth, I ironed my shirt.  I was dressed, all the way down to the boots and it was time to make my lunch.  I just sat there, in the living room, in a fog of fatigue - not being able to figure out what to do next.  Minutes elapsed.

Eventually I came back upstairs and sat on the edge of the bed and took my boots off and just cried.  I was so tired, I just couldn't face it.  And now, ironically, I can't sleep.  Unbelievable.

I don't know what to do.  I am unsure if I can wait the required weeks or months to wait to see what will become of my job.  I feel like I need to change something right now.  I won't though.  I can't afford to.  I have to hang in there.  For just a little while longer.

I keep promising myself - for just a little while longer.  Plod the plod, nod the nod.  Do the shit.  Cop the crap.  For just a little while longer.

Totally Over It

I’m really completely over my job. I’ve been trying so hard, for so long to jolly myself along – telling myself to be grateful for the income and the stability … that I like my team yadda yadda yadda.

Well, the truth of the matter is IT SUCKS. I get up at 4 in the morning in order to start at seven thirty. I spend at least 3 hours of MY PRECIOUS TIME just getting to and from that damned torturous hole. And while I’m there … unable to do any of the things that currently interest me, make my eyes sparkle or reflect my core values (other than that of putting food on the table for the kids, oh – and a roof over all of our heads) … pretty much a sum total of absolutely freaking nothing happens.

I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I hate feeling underutilised and overlooked. I hate it that my manager pretty much NEVER gives me any work to do other than the basic basic basic attendance issues of whatever shows in the roster. Nearly every other member of my team, in the last four weeks alone has been given some sort of development work to do above and beyond the call of what pops up in our day to day rosters. I have not been handed a single piece since I got back from my unpaid leave LAST AUGUST. I hate that. I resent it. It makes me feel small and angry and bitter and impotent.

No one turned up for my class this morning. Not a single soul, and despite that – and despite the fact that I know one of my team members, who I really like, is working on a massive undertaking, that she was handed just yesterday, I just stayed in my classroom, and started working on an application for another job.

Yesterday our two up manager sent out an email asking that two specifically named members of my team work on this project. One of them is a contractor who really doesn’t have the knowledge required. I helped yesterday afternoon and I talked to that manager about the project this morning. He seemed surprised that I was interested, or even in fact knew anything about it. I didn’t seek him out to talk about it, I just happened to bump into him on the train.

Just right now, two doors down, there is a meeting happening about the project. I don’t care, I wasn’t invited. I don’t see why I should help. Really. Screw them, really. That’s where I’m at right now. Screw them.

I’m hoping, so hoping, that my job gets dissolved in this upcoming restructure. I so don’t want to do it anymore. I’m so so so tired of all of this total bullshit. I’m so tired of, well, the whole dang box and dice. At this stage, I’d be happy to go back to waiting tables, or cleaning toilets. If only those jobs actually paid the bills!

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