We had a great weekend, marred by a horrible Sunday night. What happened? Everything was going so well. What a typical microcosmic reflection of my life in general. I'll be rocking along all very nicely thank you, and the next thing, I find myself curled up in a ball of misery and despair. This weekend was like that. So here I am, Monday morning - unwashed, and unfed, and wishing for - nothingness. Sad, sad, sad.
I struggle so much with my partners absolute refusal to own his own rudeness and obnoxiousness. I understand that I am a difficult person, and that it doesn't take much to tip me over the edge, but I need, really really need, when something does, for the other person to understand the reality of the role that they have played. Yes, even when my reaction is disproportionate, even when a 'normal' person would have shrugged off the insult and moved on, or tackled it on the spot, with a kind rebuttal, and sorted it out right there and then .... if it makes me fall to pieces, it is real for me, horrendously, horrifyingly, life threateningly real. If it makes me miserable and helpless, and incapacitated, no matter how unbelievable it is to others for me it is ACTUAL, it HAPPENED, and it damaged me, and I need HELP.
The horrible aftermath of that is the if help does not come, yes, eventually (up until now at least) I am able to haul myself back out, but I am just that little step more distant from whomever or whatever it is that hurt me. There is a scar, a callous, a hardening. When I ask for help to resolve, it's like asking for a salve, a balm, the rose hip oil (the scarless healer). The something that will take away the pain and hurt and help me to move past that point. Rationality can come later, when I have my land legs, my sane mind, back again - but when I am in that ugly dark place reason (denial of the reality that I AM experiencing) just drives me further under.
Struggle. I struggle with the basics. I struggle with normal loads of housework. I struggle to hold down a regular job. I struggle with the normal, even, smooth family relationships that others seem to be able to manage. I struggle with basic personal care. I struggle to eat sensibly, I struggle to even like myself, let alone love myself. I struggle to understand why anyone would be bothered to uphold an ongoing relationship of any sort with me. I struggle to accept that I can be loved.
I struggle to allow myself the time to be me. I struggle to know who ME actually is. I have a photoshoot tomorrow, with an agency (desperate for cash, I decided to sign up to be rent-a-crowd). They asked me to bring 3 outfits of my own, that are different, but that are ME. WTF? Who is me? I just have uniforms. And house clothes, and things that don't fit. And work clothes from other jobs. And things I bought in a rush, from the bottom of the price bracket - to attend social events where not having anything appropriate would offend the hosts. What the hell am I going to take? Three outfits that I like! I don't really even have ONE.
So that's where I am right now today.
I made the brown lentil & honey slow cooker dish again last night. I have no idea what it was like, because I was too upset to eat. It can't have been that great, because I packed up three lunch boxes of it last night & they are all still in the fridge, and have been pushed right to the back.
I do have meal plans for the week. No lasagnes in sight. Perhaps that is the problem. Perhaps I've lost my way again altogether. Lasagne was supposed to be one of my anchors, one of my signals to myself that things were getting better - that life is complex, not easy - and that not everything turns out perfectly, but that in general, some appreciation, nourishment and enjoyment can be derived from it anyway. I guess I had lost sight of that again.
My one healing project yesterday, in a flash of inspiration (which was later crushed & crumbled) was to make a playlist of one song each from all of the musicians who are playing this year at the Byron Bay Blues Festival. It cost me a day of searching & downloading and a $35 iTunes bill - but it's a great playlist. I so wanted to listen to it over dinner last night, but for me, dinner didn't happen.
Despite all that, I'm listening to the playlist now. I didn't think I'd be able to as it has now developed some nasty associations - but it is an excellent playlist full of amazing artists, and I can't help but enjoy it, despite all the other shit that has gone down.
My partner is refusing to apologise, claiming that he did nothing. He was rude and nasty as I was trying to get meals for us on the table, and drove me away - out of the house and out of my stable and sane mind. He says he did nothing wrong. I suppose the choice for me is then do I accept that, or do I insist that it is VITAL for me that he understands that while he may view his behaviour as acceptable, for me it was UNACCEPTABLE and DAMAGING. What do I do? I'm lost. I don't know. I'm sad, I'm drifting in the sea of unsafety. I have no rudder, no direction, no sails (no drive). Where to from here? It always seems like down into the dark is the clearest way open. How do I look up into the light? And if I do - does that mean "move away from pain", "relinquish that which hurts you"?
If only he could understand that what I need is acknowledgement. I don't have to have things to be different right now. He doesn't need to be anyone other than he is, but I do need to hear:
I'm sorry, I hurt you, I can see that, I didn't mean to, what can I do now? How can we make it better?
I'm listening to a song call by a group called Dawes, it's called 'If I wanted Someone'. It sums it up:
like the memory from your mother’s house from before you got too old
like the feeling from a photograph before it’s meanings all got told
the words I say can be silver, but what’s left unsaid can be gold
so get to know me once I go away
maybe ‘cause I come from such an empty-hearted town
or maybe ‘cause some love of mine had really let me down
but the only time I am lonely is when others are around
I just never end up knowing what to say
if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy
I took everything I thought from what it means to be a man
we need words to be put to what we do not understand
while you lean into the echoes and you do not raise a hand
oh woman, help me see it like it is
if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to understand me, I’d have so much more to say
I want you to make the days move easy
if I wanted someone to clean me up, I’d find myself a maid
if I wanted someone to spend my money, I wouldn’t need to get paid
if I wanted someone to cut me down, I’d have handed you the blade
I want you to make the days move easy
I just want you to make the days move easy
Once we had dreams. I wonder if these days we just have sadness, emptiness, troubles and regrets. I never really wanted anything much from my partner - just for him to make my 'days move easy'. I don't need much, but I do need love, acknowledgement and understanding. I need to have my feelings and perceptions recognised as REAL. So being NOT SORRY, is like saying "I did nothing, you are fucked in the head for being upset, it's all in your imagination, you are an idiot, an emotional cripple, an hysteric and I refuse to try to see it from your point of view. Get over it, without help, I have nothing to do with your current state".
And that kills me.
