Life will give us everything we need. On a platter. Pretty much every time. It is our lesson to learn that this is a gift. Challenging job? This is a gift. Struggling financially? This is a gift. Health scare? This is a gift. How so? That is our challenge to rise up to and this is where we must dig for and find the gold. Those crazy storm clouds - they really do all have silver linings.
This was not really ever (this blog) my 'happy place'. It served as a space of deep and difficult learning - or at least as a reflection of those things. For the most part I have now moved on from that rocky road and our lives (yes, our lives - we are still here, together, my man and I) are smoother, calmer and happier.
Please note, I did NOT say perfect, or constantly blissful. This ain't no fairytale baby. We have our bad days. We have our ups and downs. Sure as night follows day, from time to time our darker selves come out to play - or actually, mostly to fight! But these instance are far fewer and farther between, and less intense when they do occur. We have definitely made progress! Lots of it.
Why were those terrible times a gift? What was that silver lining?
Well, I learned a whole lot about myself, about the human mind, about survival and about compassion and acceptance, I learned to examine and re-examine my values and to sometimes just hunker down and ride out the storm.
I learned to forgive myself my weaknesses and to value my own strengths more. I learned, long and loud - that no matter how much we want the locus of blame or responsibility to be outside of ourselves, it is not. I learned (again and again) that if I am not happy and don't accept me for me, nobody else can fix that. I learned that other people's definitions of success and failure were largely both useless and meaningless to me.
I learned that sometimes you can cry too much. Just as sometimes you can hold it in for too long.
I learned that when all else fails, cooking a warm and nurturing meal and making my home a beautiful space - even when I feel that those simple things are the last thing on my mind and the farthest thing from my reach - can help a whole lot more than expected. I think this is about "mothering oneself".
I learned that sunshine and physical activity are absolutely connected to the creation of positive brain chemicals for me - and that if I neglect those things, life tends to go at least a little pear shaped.
I learned that it's ok to show others in your life the soft and sometimes ugly underbelly of your own vulnerability - but that sharing those things is absolutely a choice and not an obligation.
I learned that as so many others before me have found - love conquers many things.
Am I glad that I/we went through all that crap? Hell no! I would have liked perfect life, filled with sunshine and ducklings - but it wasn't the way it panned out, and you know what. That's ok.
I love. I am loved. We love. We are loved.
Sometimes there is no way around but through.
