When Someone Else is Depressed

 Well, just when I think the Black Dog has stopped tracking me I find that it has slunk in from another angle. Just a couple of days ago I was loving the sun on my face and silently rejoicing about all that is good in the world and now, over the past couple of days, I have come face to face with the fact that my daughter is not only quite depressed, but also suffers from anxiety.  FML. 

Life loves to throw us a curve ball.  Frankly, I would much rather face going though another deep dark black period myself than have to watch helplessly while someone I love suffers.

I do feel quite helpless.  I get that there is not NOTHING I can do, but I still feel like my ability to change and influence the situation is limited.

What have I done so far?

• Called a naturopath to request an appointment for my daughter - still waiting to hear back at this stage
• Called the local Women's counselling service to find out about locations, pricing, wait lists and areas of expertise - now I have to leave it to my daughter to choose (or not) to make contact with them herself
• Been there, to the best of my ability, although right now I am on my way to work, so I won't be able to ee her until tomorrow 

What else can I do?

• Research, try to gather as much knowledge as I can about what it is I can do to help - so just when I thought I could let this space rest, here I am again! And that's ok, it has to be
• Continue to be there, as much as she wants me to be
• Reach out to her more than I have in the past.  Sometimes when my daughter doesn't come over, or make contact, I think she's just busy with other things, or doesn't feel like spending time with boring old me - turns out sometimes she doesn't come around because she's too depressed!
• I was thinking I might get her a beautiful book to use as a "Gratitude Journal" because everything I know about gratitude projects points to the fact that they are very helpful 
• Let her lead, if she is able, but be ready to step in if it all goes spiralling too far downhill.  I think longer term recoveries work the best if the person in the hotseat does the driving - but I'm no expert at this

Damn!  This is not what I would wish on anyone at all, let alone a beloved child of mine.  I'm so sad that this is where she is at.  I will do everything within my power to find her way back.

I guess the one small blessing is that I know there is a way.  I've been there.

The Lessons we Keep Learning

 Life will give us everything we need.  On a platter.  Pretty much every time.  It is our lesson to learn that this is a gift. Challenging job?  This is a gift.  Struggling financially?  This is a gift.  Health scare?  This is a gift.  How so?  That is our challenge to rise up to and this is where we must dig for and find the gold.  Those crazy storm clouds - they really do all have silver linings.

This was not really ever (this blog) my 'happy place'.  It served as a space of deep and difficult learning - or at least as a reflection of those things.  For the most part I have now moved on from that rocky road and our lives (yes, our lives - we are still here, together, my man and I) are smoother, calmer and happier.

Please note, I did NOT say perfect, or constantly blissful.  This ain't no fairytale baby.  We have our bad days.  We have our ups and downs.  Sure as night follows day, from time to time our darker selves come out to play - or actually, mostly to fight!  But these instance are far fewer and farther between, and less intense when they do occur.  We have definitely made progress! Lots of it.

Why were those terrible times a gift?  What was that silver lining?

Well, I learned a whole lot about myself, about the human mind, about survival and about compassion and acceptance,  I learned to examine and re-examine my values and to sometimes just hunker down and ride out the storm.

I learned to forgive myself my weaknesses and to value my own strengths more. I learned, long and loud - that no matter how much we want the locus of blame or responsibility to be outside of ourselves, it is not.  I learned (again and again) that if I am not happy and don't accept me for me, nobody else can fix that.  I learned that other people's definitions of success and failure were largely both useless and meaningless to me.

I learned that sometimes you can cry too much.  Just as sometimes you can hold it in for too long.

I learned that when all else fails, cooking a warm and nurturing meal and making my home a beautiful space - even when I feel that those simple things are the last thing on my mind and the farthest thing from my reach - can help a whole lot more than expected.  I think this is about "mothering oneself".  

I learned that sunshine and physical activity are absolutely connected to the creation of positive brain chemicals for me - and that if I neglect those things, life tends to go at least a little pear shaped.

I learned that it's ok to show others in your life the soft and sometimes ugly underbelly of your own vulnerability - but that sharing those things is absolutely a choice and not an obligation.

I learned that as so many others before me have found - love conquers many things.

Am I glad that I/we went through all that crap?  Hell no!  I would have liked perfect life, filled with sunshine and ducklings - but it wasn't the way it panned out, and you know what.  That's ok.

I love.  I am loved.  We love.  We are loved.

Sometimes there is no way around but through.